Borderlands Vacation Disaster Day
by TheSingularityFlux
Summary: In which the vault hunters go on vacation for a day; Gaige is kidnapped, Axton and Mordecai drink too much, Krieg nearly gets sunburned and everyone almost ends up going to prison.
1. Fun and Guns in the Pandoran Sun

Borderlands Vacation Disaster Day

Prologue:

In a court of law, nearly everyone present would have been unanimous in their agreement that the whole idea had been Lilith's. Of course she would vehemently deny this, attempting to accuse Brick or maybe Mordecai. No sober judge would believe that either of them was responsible. Yes, it was Lilith's doing that had sent them off on their little 'adventure' but she hadn't planned on the chaos factor. Anyways, they had nearly ended up in the one and only Pandora Supreme Court. Only a hasty intervention by the grateful owner of the resort saved them. He was more than glad to pretend nothing had happened, considering they had saved not only his life, but most of his resort from being destroyed. He had also received a sort of 'quiet compensation' for the trouble anyways. It was irking to all that the resort owner happened to be Shady from Oasis.

Oh yes, everyone's favorite pal had finally abandoned his town full of dry corpses in the empty sea bed and headed for wetter shores. He had gone into the hotel business, of which there was a good market on Pandora with the increasing number of adventurers, vault hunters, mercenaries, and other unsavory types arriving to search for loot. Apparently he had gotten a great deal on a series of beach side bungalows along a nice little strip of shoreline on Pandora's west coast, far away from the destruction caused by Hyperion.

Shady had thrown a lot of money into upgrading the location. He had had a large concrete wall built to keep out the riffraff, a grand new building to house suites, a couple of swimming pools, a bar, a gift shop, and a grill. It was rumored he had paid for all of it with the life savings belonging to the unfortunate members of his former residence but, who was going to pry into that?

The water was warm and not filled with sharp toothed predatory fish. The beach was not infested with Threshers. The view of the towering green mountains behind the walls was spectacular. And most importantly, there was no shooting, stabbing, strangling, slugging, slashing, slicing, breaking, maiming, or any other form of bloodshed allowed within the resort limits.

Act One: Fun and Guns in the Pandoran Sun

This was what sold Lilith; because the idea had indeed been hers. She was sitting in the Crimson Raiders HQ like she did every morning, looking over the latest Intel and searching for potential new missions to send people out on. She sighed and rubbed her face. This job was boring as hell, and stressful. She missed Roland terribly. He had been so good at handling stress; she always got emotional. If only she could take a day or two off…now that was actually a really plausible idea.

Why the hell not? Why shouldn't she get to take off and leave the others to watch over Sanctuary? It's not like they ever volunteered to help out. Sometimes the enormous loads of laundry didn't even get done. Well it was high time she got out of the base and did something she wanted to do. She could sneak away with Roland…

Sigh, well she would have run off with him, or tied him up and kidnapped him into spending time with her. That worked too. But he was gone and wasn't coming back. She would be alone. She hadn't been seeing anyone since, mostly out of respect for his memory, and because she had little time. Well it wouldn't be much fun to go somewhere by herself, unless it was a bar maybe. Then she might as well save the time and just head over to Moxxi's.

The console she was sitting at beeped and she snapped out of her thoughts. A holo ad had popped up on the screen. Uh, those things were annoying. She moved to close it, but stopped to read it first out of curiosity.

It was very flamboyant and filled with enough bright flashing colors to blind someone. The title read:

 **To Anyone Looking for Relaxation and Fun in the Burning Pandoran Sun!** Lilith rolled her eyes; how silly could these things get. She kept reading.

 _Hello friends! I'm Shady, your resident manager and owner. I just had the grand opening of my new beach side Resort right along the west coast! Come join me for relaxation, water sports and a more perfect vacation than you could ever imagine. We've got the lowest rates planet side and there's only two rules: Have fun, and no killing, unless of course you're killing your sorrows!_

At the bottom it showed a satellite picture of the resort and to be fair it did look rather impressive. A wide expanse of land, carefully landscaped with perfect green lawns, stone pathways and of course a large beach. Lilith could feel her consciousness longing for such a place. Her finger wavered, unsure whether or not to click the ad or the x button. _Come on, it has to be a scam. It's probably some sort of evil cannibalistic scheme intended to lure and trap unsuspecting tourists for dinner…Which is why we should definitely go there and check it out, make sure it's not a trap. And if we have some fun in the meantime, that's a win win, right?_

She clicked on the link and the rest is history.

Convincing everyone it was a good idea proved to be difficult. Lilith had gathered them together in the Mission Room that afternoon. Apparently they all thought it was for a mission because they came suited up and fully armed. As soon as she finished explaining the pros of taking a weekend off for some fun at this resort, she stood back to gauge their reactions.

"So, it's like an infiltration mission then. I get it." Axton said. "Pretend we're there to have fun then turn the tables on em."

"Yeah! We can go in all quiet…and then BOOM! Start the shooting!" Salvador agreed, pantomiming finger pistols with his thick fingers.

Lilith shook her head and sighed. "Guys relax; we're not going to war. This is a _vacation_."

Zero's helmet portrayed a large red question mark.

Gaige was perched on the desk behind him. "Actually, last time we checked we were at war with you know Hyperion and all."  
There was a murmur of agreement.

"So, what are we doing here?" Mordecai asked. He looked very hung over at the moment. "My head is ready to explode and I would like to go lay down before it does. I'm not really feeling up to a job right now."

"It's not a mission! How many times do I have to say it?"

"Well, can we go drinking then? I love going to drink!" Salvador piped up.

"Yeah!" Brick said. "We haven't all been down to the bar in a couple days."

"So what kind of operation is it exactly?" Axton asked.

"Is it some kind of espionage you're planning?" Maya added.

Everyone was talking at once, talking over each other and raising a ruckus. Lilith screwed up her face in irritation.

Krieg, who had been standing silently beside her, seemed to understand and roared at the top of his massive lungs. "SILENCE IS GOLDEN!" Everyone was blasted into silence. Maya touched the psycho's arm in concern.

Lilith coughed. "Thanks Krieg, nice to see one of my vault hunters isn't a noisy animal."

"So…it's not a mission. We're all going on vacation?" Axton said slowly.

Lilith nodded. He waited, but she said nothing.

"A vacation?"

"That's right,"

"As in fun and games and booze?"

"Yes,"

"And women right?"

"Uh, yeah sure,"

"Beautiful women wearing short grass skirts and skimpy coconut tops?" His eyes were shining now.

"Axton, as long as you and Salvador don't get us kicked out for scandalous behavior, then yes to everything."

He grinned, "I'm sold."

"Si, count me in."

"Very well then/I will collect/stuff for the trip." Zero resigned.

Gaige squealed and jumped onto his back, almost toppling them over. "Yay! We're going to the beach! I'm gonna wear this super hot bikini I just bought and lie in the sun all day and swim." She poked him in the back. "Say, are you gonna wear this tin suit while we're there? That wouldn't be very fair. You get to see me almost naked but I don't get to see you." He carried her off as they argued over his obligated levels of exposure.

Maya took Krieg's arm. "Alright big guy, let's go see if that shop around the corner has a pair of trunks in your size." The giant followed her out, mumbling something about sand and blood.

"So, this is what you were planning." Mordecai said, looking over to Lilith.

She frowned. "Planning? I just found out about it last night."

"Really? I thought you were setting something up all week, you kept sighing to yourself." He walked off chuckling. "I figured you were getting lonely. Maybe while we're there you'll meet a nice beach bum you can bring home."

She waved him off. "Get out of here, and just know that everyone will kill you if you or Brick decide to wear Speedos." He left laughing.

 _Maybe meeting some sandy haired, tan and ripped beach bum wouldn't be the end of the world._

With the wonders of fast travel, it would only take a minute to get everybody to their destination. The problem was how long it took everybody to get down to the fast travel station located in the central square of Sanctuary with all of their stuff. The typically oddball citizens even stopped their meaningless tasks to stare open mouthed at the troop of vault hunters decked out in bright and snazzy summer clothes with towels and handbags slung over their shoulders, sunglasses on their eyes and flip flips on their feet. It was quite a sight.

Maybe they wouldn't have been so worth ogling if Axton hadn't purposely worn only a tight yellow tank top and started flexing his muscular arms whenever a woman passed by. Gaige's skimpy two piece swimsuit was drawing plenty of male attention. Zero, standing next to her, had finally discarded his battle suit for something else. Whatever it was was hidden as he had covered himself completely from head to toe in towels, and appeared to be the Grim Reaper of the Beach.

whatever it was it covered by the two large towels he was cloaking himself with. The rest of them were more conservatively dressed in shorts and t-shirts over swimsuits of varying styles.

The vault hunters stood talking loudly over each other like a dysfunctional family of nine while Lilith fussed with the fast travel controls. She finally managed to get the coordinates in for the resort.

God forbid, they teleported onto a snow covered mountain in these clothes.

While she finished typing, one of the Crimson Lance soldiers, a fellow by the name of Reed sidled up to her.

"So Lilith, you said I'm in charge of Sanctuary?"

Lilith nodded. "Mh-hm, while we're gone it's all you. Just make sure Scooter is checking the generators every couple hours in case of a failure so you don't fall out of the sky, and make sure the scouting parties don't get ambushed and slaughtered by bandits. And sorry Reed, I really don't want to have to ask this of you, but if Tannis tries to have intercourse with one of the washing machines again please stop her, we all use those for our clothes."

Reed scratched his helmet. "Okay…is there anything else disturbing going on around here I should know about?"

Lilith grinned dryly. "Nope, that's it. Just keep the city in one piece." She turned around. "Aright everyone, hang on to your suntan lotion!"

She pressed the button and the merry band of beach goers atomized and were shot off to their destination.

Reed stood a moment by the fast travel. He shook his head. "Why the hell would they go on a mission all dressed like that?"

When the party reformed on the other side, they were able to get a good view of the resort in all its glory. It was actually rather remarkable. They were standing outside in a large open area marked as the parking lot. The front building was two stories tall and had a large neon sign reading proudly "SHADY'S BEACHSIDE RESORT". Tropical music was being piped through hidden speakers somewhere nearby.

"Aw hell Lilith, you didn't tell _that_ guy was running this place." Mordecai grumbled.

She waved a hand. "At least he's not sitting in a town full of dead people. He's changed…I think. Look let's just go in before we jump to conclusions."

"Don't worry amigo." Salvador nudged Axton. "I packed enough heat to nuke the place if things go south." He indicated his bulky bag.

Gaige was already racing up to the gate in excitement. "Oh this place looks so cool!" She peered between the bars. "Zero look, you can see the waves from here!"

"Hello! Hello and welcome my friends!" A voice boomed from somewhere within the resort. Everyone looked to see Shady himself standing grandly behind the gate, dressed in an immaculate business suit and tie. He had however retained his trademark coke bottle glasses and old straw hat. "Welcome to my fine establishment! Just let me get this gate open and you can come on in!" He disappeared for a moment and there was a loud click as the gate's lock disengaged and it swung open on well oiled hinges. Everybody piled in through and the gate closed and locked behind them.

The resort actually looked even better from the inside than it had in the pictures. Behind the gate lay a wide expanse of paved tile walkways and deck areas complete with lawn chairs, recliners, tables and umbrellas. To the left was the bar and grill both with flashing neon signs reading OPEN. To the right was the actual resort building itself, at least four stories high all in bright white and blue stone. And of course farther down the way, the blue ocean waves were visible as they crashed into the sandy white of the beach. Tourists ranging from families to singles and even several bandits were ambling about, all enjoying the summer sun in peace. It was like a dream come true.

"Wow,' Maya exclaimed. "This place is way nicer than I thought it would be. What do you think Krieg?"

Krieg was standing under a tall palm tree, nudging a fallen pair of coconuts with his foot.

"I COULD CRACK MY SWEET NUTS."

"I certainly hope you all will enjoy your stay here. I've got several deluxe suites reserved for you on the top floor of the main building." Shady gushed. He produced several golden key cards on silver bracelets. "Here are your door keys! Remember, if you need anything, just echo-phone room service from your rooms and they'll be there in a jiffy. Enjoy!" Thankfully he actually bowed and left them alone, rushing off elsewhere.

Lilith grinned at everyone. "See, this isn't so bad."

"C'mon Zero, let's go swimming." Gaige said, tugging at the assassin's arm. He sighed and followed her down the path towards the beach, leaving their bags behind.

"Okay then," I guess we're all splitting up to do whatever." Lilith said.

"Sweet, I'm gonna head over to that bar and see what's on tap!" Axton decided. Salvador, Brick and Mordecai quickly agreed to join him and the four men set off eagerly, also leaving their stuff.

Lilith looked down at the large pile of belongings lying at her feet and groaned.

"We'll help." Maya encouraged. She hoisted Salvador's bag onto her bag, grunting with the effort. "What did Sal pack in this, rocks?"

Lilith carefully balanced all of the towels on top of each other. "Who knows, probably more booze for the room." Krieg, not wanting to be left out, snatched up everything else easily with his massive arms. He followed the two sirens towards the suites, unaware that Shady was still lurking behind them, watching their every move.

The suites proved to be agreeable. There were three of them. Why that number nobody could say for sure. (It would be addressed in detail during the trial) Each room had two king sized beds in the main room, a small but well equipped bathroom with a full crystal wall shower, tub and sink combo. Also they each contained a small fridge under a long granite counter to store whatever beverages or substances its guests might need to keep cool. Thinking still that Sal had brought booze in his bag; Lilith stuffed it into the fridge. She managed to get the door shut and let out a sigh of relief.

"Okay! Now it's time to have some fun." She had not yet changed into summer wear and disappeared into the bathroom with her own bag. She reemerged a few minutes later in a fiery red and black bikini to match her hair. Lilith's body was well toned and slender in all the right places and she looked good. She knew it too and had her sunglasses pulled down jauntily on her nose.

Krieg was sitting stoically on one of the beds with his hands held solemnly in his lap while Maya leaning over him on the bed, about to squirt a great gob of sun block onto his muscular back.

"Sweetheart," Lilith said patiently. "I don't think the sun is gonna hurt Krieg. He spends all his time without a shirt on."

"But it's stronger here." Maya objected. "He won't do it himself."

"Relax, he's indestructible. God, the poor guy is probably sick and tired of being constantly mothered by you. I'd be more worried about your skin girlie, your paler than I am." She grabbed a towel and opened the door. "I'll see you cats down there." She flipped them the peace sign and shut the door.

Maya groaned. "She's getting way too into this. But I guess she's right big guy. You'll be fine right?"

Krieg stood and did a short jump into the bed like he was diving into a pool. Maya was sent skyward, almost into the ceiling. She laughed as she landed softly on the mattress beside his bulk, turning to wrap her arms and legs around him. He placed a rough but gentle hand on her thigh in response, and they may have decided to spend the day in the bed instead, had not a loud knock sounded at the door.

Maya got up unwillingly and went to answer it. Shady stood in the hall, only now he was dressed like a concierge. Before the siren had a chance to voice her surprise and misgivings he made an exaggerated bow and presented a small platter. He began to speak in possibly the worst French accent ever attempted,

anywhere.

"Bienvenue Madame, I welcome you to Monsieur Shady's resort! I am zey hotel concierge: Monsieur Gloomy. Please accept zey complimentary coupon for zey delicious bar and grill across zey way."

Maya took the single embossed card off of the plate. "Um, thank you?"

The concierge bowed again. "Once again, welcome to zey resort and please, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ring!" Without giving her a chance to reply he backed away and disappeared down the hall.

Maya closed the door. Krieg eyed her from the bed. "The dappled pincushion speaks painfully!"

"I have no idea what was up with that." Maya said. "That was obviously Shady. It seemed like he was trying to pretend to be the door man. Weird, I hope he's not up to something. We'll mention it to the others when we go down…Or you know what Krieg." She sidled towards him. Her perfect blue lips parted in a seductive smile. "We could just stay up here, alone and undisturbed…"

"I NEED TO FEEL THE SALTY STING IN MY EYES!" Sex was on the psycho's mind no more.

Maya sighed and gave up. "Alright, alright we'll go to the beach. Grab your towel." While he grunted happily and searched for his extra large towel Maya went to the door to check the hall for Shady. But it didn't budge. She tried again but it still did not open. She checked to make sure the deadbolt wasn't engaged. It was unlocked from their side. But no matter how hard she pulled or pulled the door refused to give way.

"What the hell? Krieg, can you open this?" The giant stepped up and gave the door a ferocious yank but he only succeeded in ripping the handle off. He growled, then realized his mistake and tried to put the grip back on.

"Oh, crap!" Maya went to the bedside table and picked up the echo-phone to dial the front desk. She pressed the star button to begin the call but nothing happened. The consol was completely dead.  
"Something's not right."

She remembered Shady's leering face from moment before. Oh shit, maybe he really was a mass murderer. He had seen them separated from their friends and alone in the room. So he had cut power to the phone and sealed the door somehow. With no way to contact the others he could fill the room with gas or slide a bomb under the door. Lilith had left only seconds before; he had probably done something to her already. Maya faced the door angrily and focused her siren powers. A ball of energy formed on the hinges and constricted, threatening to crush the metal, but nothing happened. A faint blue line running around the fissures confirmed it. They were energy shielded.

"We're in trouble Krieg; we have to get out of here now!" Maya said urgently. The psycho quickly understood the situation and roared. He faced the door and began to beat on it mercilessly with his huge fists, sending vibrations through the walls. When that didn't work, he ran to the far side of the room and before Maya could stop him, he charged straight at the door and head butted it with all his might. The resulting bang ended with him spinning wearily in a circle and crashing to the floor, knocked out cold.

Maya rushed to his side. Feeling over his smooth head, she didn't feel any fractures or cuts, but a large welt was already beginning to form just above the ridge of his mask.

"Dammit Krieg…shit; this is some shit we're in now."

Maya sat with Krieg's head in her lap, trapped inside the hotel of a madman.

To Be Continued...


	2. Of Maids and Machines

Act Two: Of Maids and Machines

"Holy shit man, this place rocks!"

Three full beer glasses clinked together as Axton, Salvador and Mordecai toasted each other for the fourth time. The bar was humming with customers and the atmosphere was upbeat. As soon as they had entered, they had headed to the counter in the back and the bartender served up some of the best tasting beer they had ever drank. It was even able to compete with Moxxi's top brews back in Sanctuary.

Now they sat together on their stools, thoroughly enjoying getting drunk.

"You said it homie. If I could retire I would do it here." Mordecai said. He leaned back on his bar stool, propping himself against the counter. "A little sand, a little water and sun, maybe a cute little chica now and then, that's the life."

Axton sipped his beer thoughtfully. "Makes me wonder why we didn't get out here sooner. Everyone obviously needed the break, especially Lilith."

Mordecai nodded. "She's been on pins and needles for months now, with Roland's death and the war and all."

"It sucks man, but now that we're here all that shit seems so far away and unimportant."

Mordecai raised his beer. "I'll drink to that."

"To unimportant shitty stuff back home!" Salvador toasted.

They raised their drinks again and took deep quaffs.

Salvador belched and wiped his mouth. "I gotta say, the beer's pretty good for price. I mean the brew at Moxxi's is good, but she charges."

"You'd think she would give us a discount after all this time." Axton agreed.

He glanced towards the back of the bar, where the bathrooms were located. "Brick's been in there a while. Think we should call a plumber?"

"Ha! Brick and bathrooms go together like rak ale and my stomach." Mordecai said. "We went on this mission one time out in the badlands. We got pinned down by bandits and I'm all busy shooting and I see Brick running away like he's scared or something. I was like what the hell? Then I see him duck into one of those Porto-potties that the bandits use. Well the bandits see him too and they all start shooting at the jon. Turns out the damn things are bulletproof. Brick comes out after a few minutes while the bandits are reloading for another volley. He reaches down and picks up the shack and hurls it down the road at the bandits. When that thing touched down it was like a brown nuclear holocaust. Brick walks back over, calm as can be and shrugs and says. 'What? I had to go', just like that."

Axton and Salvador burst out laughing. "That's the funniest thing I've ever heard." Axton said. He turned to look towards the bathrooms again to see if Brick had emerged. His face went slack and his heart stopped beating for just less time than it would take to kill him. He must have missed her coming in, but now lounging next to the antique Jukebox beside the bathrooms was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was wearing a tight black dress. Her legs were a little thin for Axton's taste but nicely tanned. Her body was slender in all the right places. Dark brown hair piled around her shoulders, looking impossibly smooth and silky. And as his eyes traveled up her frame he caught the glint of sharp eyes behind her large coke-bottle sunglasses. Her ruby red lips were pulled up in a sensual smile; she had caught him looking at her.

Mordecai saw the dreamy look on his friend's face and turned to look.

"Oh, looks like you're about to score, my friend."

Axton pulled himself upright. "Watch and learn gentlemen." He got up made a beeline for the Jukebox.

The woman in the black dress ran her eyes up and down Axton as he approached, still smiling.

"Hello, enjoying the resort?"

"Oh yeah," Axton said, "very much. I don't suppose you live here do you?" With one quick motion he took her hand and kissed it. The skin was very cool and smooth, almost freezing. If Axton had had less alcohol clouding his brain he might have wondered why her skin was so cold in the warm bar. Instead he grinned foxily. "If the rest of this place is as beautiful as you, I think I might just want to move here."  
Mordecai groaned from his seat. "That's the worst pickup line ever."

The woman laughed lightly, the sound like tinkling metal chimes. "That's kind of you. Yes this resort is a very nice place. The owner has made sure of that by implementing all sorts of commodities and attractions. He is a very good host I think. My name is Yin, who are you?"

"I'm Axton; former Dahl Corporation military, vault hunter, nobody too famous."

He was about to offer to buy her a drink when the men's room door flew open and Brick made his reappearance. The door crashed into Axton's back, causing him to stagger forward. As he did, beer from his glass sloshed treacherously through the air and splashed across Yin's face and sunglasses. As it dripped down the front of her dress, her whole body began to shake violently as if she had been shocked. Behind the large sunglasses, her eyes rolled back in her head before returning to normal. Her body continued to jitter uncontrollably before finally ceasing. No one seemed to have noticed.

"Whew! That was a good one! I feel so alive!" Brick declared, stretching his back. He noticed Axton staggering back from the impact. "Oh, sorry man, I didn't know you were standing there, see you at the bar!" He headed towards Mordecai and Salvador.  
Axton had finally recovered his composure, irritated inwardly at Brick's untimely interruption. Yin didn't seem to mind. She was still watching him impassively. He saw the damp marks on her dress. "Aw hell my bad, some people have no manners. Hey, let me buy you a drink-"

"Actually," Yin interrupted. "I would very much like for you to accompany me to my suite immediately." Her voice had taken on a rather automated and demanding tone.

Axton blinked. "Um, well, I was going to buy you drink first, but hell if you want to."

Yin nodded quickly and headed straight for the exit. Axton followed, grinning triumphantly at his companions. Mordecai and Brick watched him go.

"Damn, he's better than I thought." Mordecai said.

Axton followed Yin across the resort grounds towards the suites. He actually felt like Lilith deserved a round of applause for her great idea. Why the hell hadn't they done this before? Were there always hot woman at the bar waiting to invite him to their room or was he just drunk? Yin was wasting no time in leading him straight to her suite, only a few floors beneath the ones the vault hunters were staying in.

Yin's room was smaller than the grand suites upstairs, but cozy enough for two. Axton went to the large windows before realizing he was still carrying his beer glass from the bar.

"Oops, I'll have to bring this back down with me." Not wanting to waste the beverage still in the glass, he ducked behind the counter and stowed it safely in the mini-fridge. He popped back up. "Alright…uh, Yin?"

She had disappeared from the room. He would have heard the front door close if she had left the suite. Then he espied the bathroom door was closed and the light was on. He slapped himself mentally. Of course, she wanted to freshen up before they got down to business.

While he waited, Axton took a short tour of Yin's room. He wasn't snooping, just curious to see what brought such a beautiful, young woman alone to a place like this. He didn't find anything. The room was immaculate. There wasn't a single article of clothing, suitcase, bag or purse anywhere in the entire room. The bed was made and not even sat on. The kitchen area was devoid of anything edible, and now that he remembered it, Axton hadn't seen any food or beverages in the fridge… _Okay, so she just got there and hadn't gotten a chance to have her bags brought up. Yeah she probably went to the bar while someone took care of her stuff. Tch, I wouldn't trust anyone hired by Shady with my shit._ He would have to mention that to her. Out of boredom he returned to the fridge and retrieved his beer, finishing it in three great gulps. Axton glanced impatiently at the bedside clock. Fifteen minutes had passed and Yin still had not emerged. _Come on, you look fine, except maybe for those huge sunglasses. Where could you even buy em like that anymore?_

It couldn't hurt to check what was up. Axton went to the bathroom and knocked lightly on the door with his knuckle. "Hey Yin, everything alright in there?"

She didn't respond, but there were sounds of movement within. It sounded like someone was struggling with something, or someone. The soldier in Axton flared up. He suddenly imagined that a bandit had be laying hidden in Yin's bathroom, waiting for her to come back so they could rape her, or kill her, or both. Well Axton would be damned if he let that happen. A final loud crash from within the bathroom propelled him into action. With a roar, Axton kicked the bathroom door, breaking the lock (even though it wasn't actually locked). The door flew open and he stormed into the small bathroom, prepared to deal out death and destruction with his empty beer glass. The sight that greeted his eyes was not he had expected, and far more disturbing.

The small window above the shower stall had been opened. Yin was dangling out of the window, her torso completely gone. Her legs hung limply, teetering with the breeze that whistled through the opening. Axton's glass fell from his hand, shattering on the floor. Either from the wind or the impact of the tumbler, Yin's lower body clattered back in to the bottom of the shower. But as Axton leaned in for a closer look, he realized there were wires, broken circuits and pipes protruding from the waist, where a mess of blood and organs should have been. In fact as he reached out gingerly and touched one leg, the touch was cold as steel, because it was steel.

"Holy shit…" he breathed. "Somebody just murdered my lay…And my lay was a robot…"

He backed out of the bathroom and headed for the door. As he exited the suite he nearly crashed into a cleaning lady, toiling up the hall with her cleaning cart in tow.

"Shit, sorry lady." Axton apologized.

"Oh, don't worry about it hon!" The cleaning lady said. Shady turned to face him, grinning cheerily in an ill fitting maid outfit; his sunken cheeks dusted dark rouge and his thin lips bright pink. The ghastly picture would make babies cry.

Axton staggered back, unable to find the words. Without saying anything he turned and shot down the hallway towards the elevator.

When he burst through the doors of the bar, gasping, nobody paid him any attention. They were too busy watching someone else. In hindsight, the situation in the bar was almost as bad as the one he had just witnessed. The lights had all been turned off, except for the multi-colored ones over the far right corner where a small stage had been set up. Brick was standing on the stage, holding a microphone in his enormous hands and singing lustily to Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face' karaoke style while the backing track played over the sound system.

With his rough voice, Brick shouted the words rather than sang them. The sound grated on Axton's ears like metal on glass. Nevertheless, a formidable crowd of patrons had gathered around Brick and were cheering him on, Salvador included.

"Can't read my- Can't read my- POKER FACE!" Brick bellowed.

Axton shook his head in disgust and made his way to Mordecai's stoic position the bar. The hunter was preoccupied with stacking numerous empty shot glasses on top of each other, pyramid style. The stack was perilously high and Mordecai's shaking hands were headed for disaster. He swallowed and steadied himself.

With an expert twist he placed the final shot glass on the very top and let go. It teetered for a moment but did not fall. Mordecai applauded himself. "Thank you…thank you…"

Then Axton crashed onto the bar stool next to him and the pyramid came crashing down, much to the displeasure of the bartender.

Mordecai stared at the floor where the glasses had fallen, his eyes cloudy with sadness. "I didn't get to take a picture of it."  
Axton was breathing hard. "Holy shit Mordecai, this place _is_ rigged after all. You were right to be suspicious of that Shady guy."

Mordecai burped. "Oh, hey Axton. Back so soon? Your date abandon you?"

" _No!_ She wasn't human. She was a robot and she got killed!"

Mordecai laughed loudly, although his cackles were drowned out by Brick who had just begun the second chorus. Axton had to shout to make himself heard. "We went back to her room and she went into the bathroom. After I heard a loud noise I broke through the door just in time to see her goddamn metal legs hanging out of the window!"

"They were very nice legs."

"Yeah; a little on the thin side for my taste… goddammit Mordecai, that's not important!"

Mordecai hiccuped. "It's not?"

"No, did you not just hear me?"

"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-POKER FACE!" Brick was howling. Axton screwed up his face.

"This place is a trap. Lilith dragged us to a death house. We have to get everyone together and figure out how we're gonna take this bastard down!"

"I don't know man…hic! The drinks are really good here." Mordecai raised his twentieth shot. "Another round bartender,"

"You know, kids used to think you were cool. Like before you became a full blown alcoholic" Axton said.

"I mean I'm, happy for you man…" Mordecai slurred. He threw an arm around Axton. "You meet a nice girl… she wears huge glasses but you can look past that…hic. You could like marry her and shit…hic."

As soon as Mordecai mentioned Yin's ungainly sunglasses, a horrible connection started to form itself in Axton's head. Images of Shady's leering face filled his mind. "Oh god," he muttered.

Brick's song had finally finished. His audience had poor taste in music or were drunk because they called loudly for him to continue. Brick however descended from the stage and made his way to his companions with Salvador in tow.

"Hell yeah! That's how you sing a song! I need a cold beer to wet my whistle!"

"You're an embarrassment to mankind." Axton said grimly.

"Aw don't be jealous, I know it's hard to accept that my voice is sexy." Brick said.

"I think that's what Satan would say if he came up here and jumped on that stage."

"You're just sore because that chick realized she had made a mistake."

"Why does everybody assume she ditched me? We were in her room when someone came through the bathroom window and killed her. Then I realized she was a robot of some kind. Like a really advanced android. I mean we didn't even have that kind of shit at Dahl. My turret was their most advanced tech and she can't talk, not yet anyways. Something bad is going on here."

"Yeah," Salvador agreed. "They charge you for extra olives." He sipped his martini wistfully.

Mordecai seemed to have finally comprehended something was seriously wrong. "Alright man, so you're saying that that girl was a robot and that someone took her out?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying,"

"And you're not just drunk?"

"Who am I talking to?"

"Whoa man, if you're saying a trigger happy sonofabitch is on the loose in here then we'll find em. But we need somewhere to start." Brick said. His vault hunter instincts were starting to kick in.

"Gaige could tell us everything about the robot." Axton said. "What model it is, who built it. We'll go back to the room and grab it and take it to her to check out." With his three companions behind him, he marched back towards the suites. They ignored desk manager's cheerful greeting and piled into the elevator.

"What the hell…" Axton said in confusion. He was standing in the doorway of the bathroom with Mordecai, Brick looking in behind him. Although he was positive it was the same room, there was no sign of a broken android, broken beer glass or shattered window pane. The entire suite was spotless.

Axton searched the bathroom but found nothing. "Shit, someone took care of the body before we got here."

"Are you sure you weren't just drunk?" Mordecai asked.

"I know when I'm too wasted to see straight and I was not _that_ wasted." Axton said.

"Maybe we should go get everybody else," Brick suggested. "Zero and Gaige are at the beach."

Before anybody could respond, there came a loud squeaking from out in the hall. At first it was hardly audible, but it was coming nearer. Axton's blood ran cold. "Oh shit, it's the maid!" He grabbed Mordecai by the collar and dragged him down behind the bed. Brick followed, barely able to hide his bulk behind it.

"Who are we hiding from Axton? Who's coming?"Axton's face was scrunched up as if in pain.

"The goddamn cleaning lady- only it wasn't a lady it was Shady! He saw me leave this room. He must have been coming to dispose of the robot. Where the hell is Salvador?"

The gunzerker had mysteriously vanished from the room. There was no sign of him.

"Sal?" Mordecai called, a little too loudly. The squeaking stopped right outside the door. Everyone went silent.

A moment of tense silence passed agonizingly slow. Then the handle clicked and the door swung slowly open.

 _"Oh shit…"_ Axton whispered.

To Be Continued…


	3. Mystery of the Vanishing Vault Hunter

Act Three: Mystery of the Vanishing Vault Hunter

"Come on Zero, the water feels great!" Gaige called for the third time. She was standing knee deep in the blue surf, waving at her beached assassin boyfriend. Zero was sitting stoically on the sand, just above the wet line, still covered almost completely in his towels. If they had been tan colored he would have been near completely camouflaged and easily mistaken as some sort of strange shore creature.

"Don't be a poop; you've been sitting there for five minutes! Don't make me drag you in here."

Gaige even went so far as to wiggle her bum at him. Her suit was wet and sticking to her skin, showing off pretty much everything. It perked his interest, but Zero was still debating. It had been bad enough going to the resort without his suit on.

"Spectators nearby/could spot me/ I do not wish to be ogled." He said.

She wrinkled her nose. "That's a new word for you. Don't feel embarrassed you look fine! I mean sure you're kind of alien and mostly grey but I find that irresistibly hot! Besides why should you care? You could just like, chop somebody's head right off if they looked at you funny." She realized what she was saying. "I mean- don't actually do that! Just in theory…"

Zero sighed. Gaige looked awfully put out; standing in the water in her swimsuit… He sure loved that color. It matched so perfectly with her fiery hair. What harm could there be in going for a dip?

He stood resolutely. "Very well/ I am in/coming for you!" With movement like lightning, he burst from under his protective coverings and dove deep into the water before anyone could see him.

Gaige clapped her hands. "Finally!" Then she shrieked, realizing he had swum speedily in a circle and was cruising straight for her. She scrambled in a failed attempt to reach land before his large hands snaked around her ankles and pulled her down. They came up, gasping for oxygen and grappling for control. Gaige's cybernetic arm was strong, but Zero was slick like a fish and eluded her grasp. He eventually locked his arms around her and kissed her hair. "Feels good/ water is warm/ not too bad."

She squeezed his forearm. "I told you. Nobody is even looking over here. I'm glad we picked this spot."

Zero let her go and went under again. He resurfaced a few moments later and looked around.

"Our friends/nowhere to be seen/where are they?"

"Hm, probably _getting drunk_ or something lame like that; we can do that back home. We don't have a beach in Sanctuary though." She flung some water at him. "And you got my hair all messed up you brute."

He grinned slyly and moved to go under the water again when unexpectedly a large, orange beach ball bounced off the side of his head. Zero shot up rigidly and then went for his sword which lay under his beach towels. Realizing Zero thought someone was attacking, Gaige raced after him, waving the ball.  
"Hey! It's just a ball, calm down already!" Zero stood in a crouched fighting position with his sword at the ready.

Along the beach a group of seven was coming towards them. It looked to be a variety of bandits, marauders and three psychos. Now even Gaige felt apprehensive. But the gang stopped short a few feet away from them. It was a strange sight; these were the kind of men who went around killing and pillaging for fun and often clashed in bloody fights with vault hunters. But either these particular villains were more mild mannered than their badlands relations or were simply forced to follow Shady's resort rules. They were all still wearing their trademark hoods and masks but had exchanged their leather jackets and cargo pants for swimming trunks, mostly of that 'psycho orange' color. One of the marauders held up his hands.

"Whoa, whoa, we didn't mean nothing by throwing that at you. We were playing psycho-ball and the damn wind picked it right up after Shark's last spike. It was a very badass spike too."

One of the psychos shivered with gratification. "I like a good carrot spine when the meat's thawed!"

"Ain't that the truth, Shark? Anyways, can we have the ball back?" The marauder had asked politely. They seemed rather sincere and to confirm their game, there appeared to be several volley ball nets down the beach. Gaige moved to toss it back to them when Zero caught it on the top of his sword. Everyone gasped; sure the ball would pop on the razor edge. Instead it rolled off the blade and bounced over to the bandits. One of the psychos snatched it up and loped off back towards the volley ball nets.

"Watch yourself/next time you throw/consider wind." Zero said guardedly.

The marauder seemed to be glaring, but it was hard to tell with his mask on. "Watch yourself chum…" He grunted. Then he and his comrades tailed it. The vault hunters watched them go.

Gaige sighed. "You really need to lighten up."

"Couldn't stop/Sensed danger/Bandits are bandits." Zero replied obstinately. She sat down and burrowed her toes deep into the warm sand, watching as the water splashed up to cover them. "I know a lot of them are bad. But those guys just wanted their ball. I think Lilith made a good call on this place. _We_ just need to get loose." Her sunny temperament had returned, no less fiery than the actual sun. Zero seemed to have relented at last and nodded his head. "Very well/will try now/to be more relaxed."

"Atta-boy," Gaige applauded. She rubbed her hands together scandalously. "Now, what kind of trouble can we get into around here?"

Zero groaned. She apparently didn't follow through with the wisdom of her own words. He sat down and put one of his lithe arms around her. "No trouble/stay here/enjoy the beach."  
"I'm not saying we should leave…I'm saying- ooh look at that!"

Gaige pointed down the beachhead back towards the resort. Halfway down the sand, jutting out into the water was a large spur of rock at least twenty feet in height and width. It protruded out in just a way that would create a very natural diving platform. In fact several people had already attempted to jump off but seemed to be repeatedly turned back by a solitary figure in red and white barring the way. The person, probably a life guard appeared to be directing the thrill seekers away from the enticing rock. This was what had caught Gaige's attention. She really wasn't a bad girl or enjoyed doing illegal things. But something about sneaking past that life guard was enticing. Zero had seen it too and guessed at her purpose. He shook his head.

"No trouble/get kicked out/Lilith would be pissed."

"That she would, but only if we get caught!" Gaige stood and brushed the sand off her legs. "Okay, I've got a plan of sorts. You distract him by being your usual sexy self while I climbed around behind him using my badass cybernetic arm which gives me the strength of ten in just my little finger, capiche?"

Zero shook his head. "Gaige/that's not a good plan/bad idea."

"What? One of my plans not a good idea? Preposterous! I'm gonna swim out a little ways and come around the far side. Wish me luck!"

She started off down the beach. Zero did not wish to engage in the scheme, but without him she would surely fail and if they were caught it would ruin the vacation. So he stood unwillingly and followed.

The lifeguard turned out to be Shady, although the name printed on his shirt said "LIFEGUARD: DIM". He wore a traditional white t-shirt and red shorts, out of which his skinny legs stuck like a storks. He still wore his ridiculous glasses and straw hat which incidentally fit his new occupation. Zero frowned. Why was the owner of the resort out on lifeguard duty? Surely he could afford to hire a full staff? Then the assassin's mind turned back to Gaige. He could see her out of the corner of his eye swimming stealthily towards the front of the rock. He wouldn't ever admit it in front of the other guys, but he worried greatly about her sometimes. Like the one time she had nearly been chewed up by a thresher because she insisted on leading the reconnaissance party. She had been curled up in bed with him for several days afterwards, too freaked out to move much and he had done his best to soothe her. Of course afterwards she had returned to her normal energetic self, but he wondered how long it could last without ending in disaster.

There were four persons in front of Zero, all trying to get past Shady, but he turned them all away with the same wide grin and firm "Sorry fellas, it's just too darn dangerous! Nothing dangerous is allowed within resort grounds." They went away grumbling something about case in point, stopping momentarily to gawk at Zero before they passed. Finally he got to the front of the line. He was still trying to think of what he could say that the dimwit might understand when Dim/Shady gasped. "Oh my, would you look at that. Your Zero, the famous assassin are you not?"

Zero suddenly felt his hand being vigorously shook.

"This is a real honor! I didn't even recognize you at first! Your pictures always have you in that black suit." Lifeguard Dim seemed to be honestly enthusiastic. Zero nodded curtly. "Yes I am/ Zero the Assassin/ if you must know."

"Oh that is just amazing! You know this will work wonders for the business. If people see you here they will definitely tell their friends to come! The boss will be really happy to know that you're here!"

Considering the strange glances and gazes he had already received, Zero heavily doubted that.

"You know, I always wanted to meet a vault hunter. You guys are so passionate about what you do!" Dim was chattering.

Zero wasn't paying him much attention. Behind the talkative lifeguard, he spotted Gaige clambering up the side of the rock. She was wedged into a crevice, expertly using her robotic arm as leverage to raise herself up.

Lifeguard Dim must have noticed because he started to turn to look too. Without thinking Zero immediately went into a fit of fake coughing. He thumped himself on the chest several times to make it look believable.

Dim seemed genuinely concerned and reached out to help. Zero stepped back quickly out of reach but the man didn't seem to notice.

"Are you okay Mr. Zero? Everything alight?"

Zero composed himself. "Yes okay/a little sand/trapped in my lungs."

Dim nodded sympathetically. "I can imagine. Wearing that suit to keep out the elements and dirt must get old pretty fast. I'm sure you can't wait to get it off every once and a while. Well I'm sure management would be honored that you've chosen to do it here."

There was a triumphant female shout accompanied by an audible splash from the far side of the rock.

Dim turned to look but Zero began coughing again. As he bent his head down in a mock spasm, he spotted a figure cruising through the water up the beach towards the resort. With a final round of hacking, he disengaged Lifeguard Dim and retreated back down the rock. He trekked alone down the beach to collect their stuff; a little annoyed that Gaige would leave him to carry everything after he went through that embarrassing diversion for her. He was an assassin, not the bait. He hoped she had enjoyed the jump. He supposed she was either cold or ready to go back the suites. She was like a child sometimes, always running from one thing to the next. He sighed, but knew she would feel bad once she saw him trudging back with everything.

He passed the rock again and ignored Dim's enthusiastic waving. There were still people trying to dive off the damn rock. Zero wished he had his suit back on. Several of them had were still watching as he passed. It was understandably a little strange; a grey man carrying several girly towels and a purple hand bag. He checked the waterline, looking to see if Gaige was waiting for him.

She wasn't anywhere in sight but his eyes caught something else that immediately drew his attention. Washed up on the sand not far from his feet was a bright red bikini top: Gaige's. At first he considered that it might have been a joke, but that was a stretch even for her. She would certainly not have returned to the resort topless. Then his sensitive hearing picked up on the sounds of rough shouts from nearby. His eyes trailed up the beach to the nearby volley ball courts where the bandits was still standing around with their orange ball. The sand by the bikini top was very stirred up, as if from a struggle. Nobody was nearby and Gaige had left Deathtrap at home. His mind clicked and Zero dropped his baggage. His sword appeared in his hand and he glided across the sand like a vengeful snake closing in on its prey. He came barreling towards the bandits who had kidnapped his girlfriend and probably would have slaughtered them all without question had they not been acting strangely.

He slid to a stop right before the net, sword in hand. The bandits stood facing him, all toting guns of various sizes and efficiencies. Nobody spoke and the wind whistled through the court like a cheesy western.

The head marauder brandished his Jakob's shotgun. "Alright you son of a bitch! Where's Shark? Tell us and we'll make your death quick…maybe!"

Zero was put out enough that he actually cocked his head. "You bastards/where is she?/tell me now?" He said slowly.

The marauder was probably frowning. "Uh, who?"

"Don't play stupid/you took her/my girlfriend."

The marauder brightened. "You mean that redheaded girl? She's pretty alright. Yeah but seriously, where did you take our friend you creep!" The bandits seemed seriously pissed off and Zero wasn't sure he could take them all without injury. But they seemed fairly convinced that he had done something to one of their companions. Bandits are not known for being good liars and he was actually starting to doubt whether it was possible they had captured Gaige. How could they?

He lowered his sword a little to appear less threatening. "Did nothing/I do not know/where your friend is."

One of the bandits holstered his weapon. "See Trout, I told you the vault hunter didn't do nothing."

Trout the marauder didn't seem entirely convinced, but he lowered his shotgun and addressed the assassin. "Look here vault hunter, our buddy Shark- he's the psycho who deals a nasty spike is gone. He just up and vanished. Now if you have him…"  
"Suspicious/my girlfriend/has disappeared too." Zero said. He had suddenly remembered Lilith mentioning something about cannibals…or maybe it was criminals. She was saying something to Mordecai before they left about investigating the resort as long as they were there just in case something was fishy. He had been listening behind the door while Gaige was busy packing and hadn't caught the entire conversation. Hadn't Shady come from living a solitary life, using dead corpses as his imaginary friends? And things had mysteriously malfunctioned or disappeared in order to trap the vault hunters with him? And now they were staying in a resort owned by this guy? It suddenly made a lot of sense. That Dim/Shady character must have known Gaige was climbing the rock and had someone abduct her while he kept Zero busy, pretending to be a lifeguard. His blood began to boil, imagining that leering bastard with his floppy hands all over Gaige. As little as he trusted the bandits, vacation or not, Zero realized he might actually need their help if he was going to find her. By now they had all stowed their weapons, except for one psycho who was still brandishing the beach ball. Zero sheathed his sword- meaning he stuck it through a loop on the side of his swimming trunks.

"Two people missing/I suspect/Shady the resort owner."

Trout the marauder nodded. "Aye, you know I thought there was something fishy about that squinty eyed little lifeguard."

"Possibly interested/forge temporarily alliance/find him?"

"Hell yeah, you've me men and our guns!" Trout agreed. The bandits raised their guns and beach ball high and roared. Before Zero could stop them, they thundered off down the beach towards the rock.

The remaining vacationers on the beach quickly fled in terror but the bandits paid them no heed. Instead they fought each other trying to climb the rock first and blow holes in the phony lifeguard. But Dim was no longer there. They searched the entire rock but found nothing and no one.

"Shit on a stick! He's run for it. Vault hunter, what do we do now?" Trout shouted down.

Zero stood on the beach, holding Gaige's bikini top in his hand. He closed his fist around it, his knuckles going white. One of the beach towels was still around his shoulders and as the wind picked up, it fluttered behind him like a great cloak. Clouds were rolling in and the sky seemed to grow dark. The wind howled and the waves began to crash fiercely into the shore. A storm was brewing.

The bandits climbed off the rock and gathered around the assassin. Zero held up the swimsuit piece and recited in fury. "Find Gaige/Find psycho/Kill Shady!"

The bandits roared in agreement and with Zero at their head, marched on the resort.

To be continued...


	4. Revenge of the Bed

NOTE: Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind reviews. It was brought to my attention that Shady's name is actually just Shade so I apologize for this. I haven't played the Oasis DLC for BL2 in almost a year.

Act Four: Revenge of the Bed

Krieg had finally awakened after being unconscious for over fifteen minutes. He sat up and scanned the premise for his blue lady. Maya was standing at the window wall, staring out towards the beach. She had her head pressed up against the glass as if trying to look for something. Krieg climbed to his feet and lumbered over to her. "Trapped in the bright meat locker for everlasting eternity," he muttered grimly.

"We're not finished yet." Maya said, still looking out of the window. When she turned she saw him rubbing the bruised spot on his head. "Geez Krieg, it looks like you have an egg growing on the top of your head. I'm sorry; just remember that if I say we need to get out of here I don't mean you have to ram yourself into the door."

He nodded stonily. She pointed below. "Look at that. We're on the fourth or fifth floor I think, I can't remember which exactly. I wonder if that was purposeful because there's no way we're jumping out of this thing and not breaking all our bones."

She seemed to be considering something. Krieg cracked his knuckles. Each made a pop loud enough to be the breaking of a bone but it didn't bother Maya at all. In fact she could think better with some background noise.

"Shade obviously deceived us from the start. This whole place is a ruse to lure people in. Maybe he even planned on us specifically coming. Bastard, is he trying to kill us or just mess with us?"

While she continued these dark thoughts, Krieg had stridden over to the window to stare gloomily out of it. The sky seemed to have darkened in preparation for a coming storm or rain. The beach looked deserted and the waves were now crashing roughly into the shore. He surveyed the area, trying to find something that could help them escape. A difficult task when your mind is always partially consumed by avid thoughts of meat and all the wonderful things you can do with meat. But Krieg was no ordinary psycho. And while Maya tried to decipher what reasons Shade could have for his dastardly scheme, Krieg discovered something.

"Maybe it's revenge, since we did everything we could to get out of Oasis without going back to see him." Maya wondered. "Why are people so strange? What Krieg, what is it big guy?"

Krieg was pointing excitedly, grunting. She looked while he tried to formulate words.

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to look at here."

"Hrr, Wrr, WIRE!" He was pointing fiercely up. As Maya craned her neck to look she saw it. Running from the roof of the resort all the way across the main square to a small steel tower at the other end was a single thick steel cable at least an inch and a half thick. Maya couldn't fathom why she hadn't seen it before. Although the cable was fairly taunt, it bowed down enough to be within reach of their window. It appeared to be sturdily secured but that was only an assumption. She went to say something then heard Krieg rustling around in the small closet adjacent to the beds. He had thrown the doors open and rummaging around. The ironing board flew out and crashed into the far wall. Maya would have cared if it had been anywhere else. The ironing board was followed shortly by a stack of hangars which clattered on the floor.

"What are you looking for?" she wondered. When Krieg emerged he held in his hands the short metal bar that had been installed in the closet to hold the hangers and guest's clothes. With a quick grunt the psycho bent the cheap metal with his massive strength into a slightly bent line. He went back to the window and held the bowed bar above his head like he was holding the handles of a hang glider. Maya got the picture. She shook her head vigorously. "No way am I letting you slide down that cable! If you fall you will break every bone in your body. Dammit, if only Sal had actually brought guns instead of more booze! Seriously, the one time we need firepower and he doesn't bring any." She jabbed at the mini fridge in frustration, unconscious of the true contents of Salvador's bag.

Krieg grunted determinedly as if to say 'sure whatever, but I'm going anyways'. He spoke. "Soar like a bloody bird. Save Blue Maiden and meat fiend!" Maya was at a loss. In the entirety of their short but fervent relationship, she had learned that once Krieg had his mind firmly set on something, he was immovable. Even thought he always listened more loyally to her than anyone else, there were certain actions that the psycho was set on accomplishing. Therefore, even though she was terrified for his health, mutant or no she couldn't very well stop him. Even Phase-locking Krieg would only make him groan in impatience while he waited for it to cease.

"Okay. But I swear to God Krieg if you fall I will never forgive myself…" She reached up and hugged him tightly from behind. "This is a terrible idea, you have to know that."

The psycho rested his rough hand on her entwined ones. "Fly like the feathered ones," he murmured reassuringly.

"I'm still scared shitless here. But if you're going to to this then you need an exit…" Maya glanced at the bed nearest the windows. The two of them began pushing together and the bed slid across the floor and gaining speed, crashed through the window panes. It flew over the edge and plummeted out of sight making several clunking noises as it descended before landing with a dull thump in the grass below.

"Wow that made a lot of noise!" Maya said, grimacing. "Are you sure you still want to do this? We could make a rope out of bed sheets and climb down…" She remembered they had just thrown half of their sheet supply out the window. "Scratch that then. Shit Krieg I really _do_ _not_ want you to do this."

But the psycho was already standing in the opening. He reached up to pass the pole over the cable and grasped it firmly.

He stood a moment, breathing quickly. With a backward glance he shouted. "I"LL GET THE SWORDSMAN OR THE TURRET USER!" Then he jumped out of the window.

Just as his feet left the window ledge, the door to the suite burst open and Shade stood in the opening.

* * *

Only a few moments before, the turret user better known as Axton was crammed under a king sized bed along with an enormous man and a thinner one who was still heavily hammered. He could hardly move and dared not try for fear of discovery. Beside him, Brick was trying his best to breathe as shallow as possible. His bulk was so large and strapping that every time his chest expanded with a breath, the entire bed rose a few inches off the floor and then descended with his exhale. On Brick's other side, Mordecai was fighting a fierce battle against nausea to not throw up. Downing so many shots was proving to be a dire mistake and hiding under a bed from an evil man-maid was not helping his angry stomach. Salvador had not reappeared, but maybe that was partly a blessing. There was no way in hell he could have fit under the bed as well. There had been no time to talk, make a plan or even discuss more accommodable hiding places before the foe entered the room. The maid had walked across the floor and was nearing the bed. Every time they took a step it made a strange flapping sound.

There was no rumble of a cleaning cart so they must have left it outside; perhaps to block the door in case of escaping victims. Did they know the vault hunters were inside?

The maid was sighing repeatedly with some annoyance. They sounded like they were pacing back and forth around the room. The flapping noise was making Mordecai feel green about the gills.

Finally the footsteps stopped again, and then the maid decided to sit on the bed.

Brick could not be blamed for his sudden loud wheeze as the air was pressed from his lungs. Axton cringed then growled. "To hell with this!" He began to wiggle out when a face appeared from above, staring down at him. Axton jerked back in surprise, "Jesus Christ! Lilith what the hell are you doing?"

Lilith grinned cheekily, her hair hanging down over her face. "Oh hey Axton, so this is where you guys have been hanging out; in an empty suite that isn't registered for us." She climbed off the bed and helped him out from under it. Then the two of them pulled Brick out. He was rubbing his chest painfully. "Damn Lil, what did you eat for breakfast, cinder blocks?" She looked sheepish. "Sorry Brick, I honestly had no idea anyone was under there. Hey Mordecai you need a hand?"

There was no reply, as Mordecai had risen of his own accord and staggered to the bathroom just in time to let fly in the toilet. They could all hear him retching. "Poor guy, what did he have to drink?" Lilith asked.

"Shots and more shots," Axton said. He crossed his arms. "So what are you doing here? I would have thought you would be heading for the beach…" He now noticed she was wearing only her bikini and flip flops, which explained the flapping sound. He did his best not to let his eyes go lower than Lilith's face. She looked embarrassed. "Well I was, I was totally on my way down but I pressed the button for the wrong floor so it only went down to 2 instead of the lobby and then a bunch of people got on and some wanted to go back upstairs and I had to wait. And then on 3 this guy got on and we kind of starting talking and he asked if I wanted to get drinks with him and I said yes I just wanted to grab a shirt from my room…"

Axton was smiling and Brick was smiling.

"What? So I met a nice, good looking guy who's probably made love to the sun a few cause he's really tan. He's, well he's an avid surfer and swimmer."

Mordecai's voice was weak but triumphant from the bathroom. "I told you Lil, I told you."

She was blushing a little, "says the man puking up his guts. So I forgot that my stuff is in our suit on the sixth floor but this is the fourth so…yeah."

"That still doesn't tell us why your snooping around in other people's rooms." Brick chided.  
"Well what the hell are you guys doing?" Lilith complained, waving her arms. "Hiding under the bed isn't creepy or weird at all."

"We have extremely valid reasons." Axton said.

"Yeah, it all started with Axton trying to pick up this robot chick." Brick began. "She was gonna take him back to her room for you-know-what which is actually this room, even though Axton's pick-up lines are the worst you ever heard. And then she got all dead by something or somebody, probably while trying to compute a way to dump Axton. Then he brought us up here to look at the robot body but the body was gone and then we thought you were the ugly maid coming to kill us since she scared Axton shitless." He scratched the back of his head. "Did I get that right?"

Axton rubbed his forehead. "Oh yes, including every unnecessary detail."

"Whoa, what? Are you serious?" Lilith said. She laughed. "I don't think Mordy is the only one who's had too much to drink."  
"No, we're serious! There was a woman at the bar and she offered to take me back to her room but I heard a noise when she went into the bathroom and when I investigated she was a goddamn broken robot mess! And yes there was an ugly ass cleaning lady but I'm positive it was Shade. That guy is definitely up to something. He's building robots for something."

"This is crazy. I'm not sure if I can take it seriously." Lilith said. She sighed. "Is Salvador still at the bar?"

"Oh shit! Salvador was with us when we went back into the lobby but then he disappeared!" Axton said grimly. "I don't remember if he was in the elevator or not."

"Maybe the cleaning lady got him." Brick offered.

"Right, a cleaning lady effortlessly attacked and overpowered Salvador." Lilith countered. "His blood is like 50% steroids I think he'll be fine. Look you guys, my date is probably wondering if I've stood him up so I'm just going to go upstairs, get a shirt and have a good time. You can keep playing detectives if you want." She turned to leave but Axton called after her. "Would you believe me if I said the robot was dressed like Shade? Same damn glasses, those super ugly ones he's always wearing. She had them too; I mean what self-respecting person would wear those things?"

"They were pretty lame looking." Mordecai had emerged from the bathroom, looking a little pale. "But Axton was pretty freaked out when he came back down. He saw something in here. We're not bullshiting you Lil."

"Well hell guys what are you saying? That Shade is actually an evil robot building mastermind or something?"

"Yes," they all answered.

She sighed. "And I'm going to postpone my first date in months for this. It had better be good."

"We'll compromise; bring the bum along with us." Axton offered.

"His _name_ is Zachary,"

"Zack? How much more bum can you get?"

"Save it for later you two," Mordecai interrupted. "Let's head upstairs so Lil can grab some clothes and then head downstairs." This was an agreeable plan, and the group left the empty room and headed to the elevator. Axton was sneaking paranoid glances down the halls, still on the lookout for his nemesis.

Finally reaching the sixth floor, they went down the hall and stopped at the suite door only to find it already open. There were distressed noises coming from inside. Axton and Brick quickly stormed inside with Lilith while Mordecai, still a little inebriated, brought up the rear. Then several things all happened at once.

* * *

Inside the suite, Shade himself was walking towards Maya with his arms outstretched saying something while she stepped back in surprise. At the same time, Krieg was beginning to slide down the cable on his hangar pole. Finally, their vault hunter friends were bursting in through the door and homing in on the hotel manager's position. These two commotions caused Krieg to swivel his head and upper body too quickly as he tried to see what was happening. This motion, combined with cheap quality, snapped the hanger pole. With a yell the psycho began to fall earthward. Maya shouted his name in panic and activated Phase-lock. Krieg's descent halted and he hung helplessly in the air, still clutching both ends of the broken pole.

Everyone else rushed to the ledge, unable to help him. Maya could already feel her energy running out; in a few seconds Phase-lock was break and Krieg would finish his drop to the ground. For a terrible moment nobody knew what to do. But then there was a distant shout from below. "Hey! Hold on!"

Everyone's gaze shot down to the ground. Salvador was sprinting through the lawn as fast as his short gait could go. Not far from him were the battered remains of the suite bed. Its frame was completely destroyed, but the extra soft mattress was intact. When he reached it Salvador grabbed the edge and with a mighty heave, wrenched it away and dragged it across the grass to the spot he judged to be Krieg's landing zone. Maya couldn't hold out any longer and Phase-lock disappeared. Her psycho fell like a rock through the air, but Salvador's aim was true and Krieg landed feet first right in the middle of the thick mattress. It blew out the sides and he actually bounced back up and crashed into a nearby bush. Salvador went to help him but Krieg climbed out of the bush on his own and waved victoriously, unharmed.  
A cheer went up from the window.

"Holy shit amigo! That was crazy!" Salvador shouted. "What the hell were you doing up there?"

Krieg dusted himself off. "Fleeing the meat goggles man." He looked up, and then spotted Shade standing forgotten among the vault hunters. Krieg's eye went wide with fury. "MEAT GOGGLES MAN; TIME TO RIDE MY LATEST MEAT BICYCLE!" He dashed past Salvador and grabbed a broken width of wood from the bed frame and went charging around towards the main entrance of the suites.

Upstairs, Axton turned and pointed an accusing finger at Shade. "You, talk fast."

Shade seemed hesitant. "What? What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean you prick! What's the deal with the robots? Are you getting some sort of sweet deal with Hyperion or somebody? It sure as shit isn't Dahl and I would know."

"Who? Hyperion!" Shade stammered. "I, I don't know what you're talking about!"

Now Maya raised her voice in anger. "You trapped us in this room! The door was locked from the outside and the walls are energy-resistant! Who the hell puts energy resistant walls in their hotel walls?"

Shade's eyes were filled with terror behind his glasses. "Um, Pandoran ones?"  
"Wait, you and Krieg were stuck in this room?" Lilith demanded. "But I left you just a few minutes before!"

"We tried to open the door but it was sealed." Maya said. "Krieg decided to slide out of the window on that cable! That' why we threw the bed, to make a hole so he could escape."

"That would explain the crash I heard when Yin was in the bathroom!" Axton said. "It was that bed coming down on her as she climbed out of the window."

"Why would anyone be so violent as to throw a bed out of a high window?" Shade wailed. "Those ones are expensive! Even if you buy them as a set!"

Brick cracked his knuckles. "I've heard enough, let's pwn this sucker."

"There's other more expensive things that are gonna go bye-bye if you don't tell us why the hell you locked our friends in this room." Lilith said darkly. "Don't forget there's an enraged psycho on his way up here right now looking for you."

Surrounded by a group of powerful and incensed vault hunters was not something Shade was prepared for. He looked from one fierce face to the next, hardly able to stand out of fear. His palms were wet with cold sweat and his legs were shaking. "P-please, this is all just a misunderstanding! I can explain everything!"

Perhaps he would have explained everything right then and there, if Krieg's thunderous footsteps had not sounded in the hall.

To be continued...


	5. The Cave of Blunders

NOTE: (I apologize for the long delay in new chapters. I plead college classes as my excuse. Anyways, enjoy this one if you will.)

Act Five: The Cave of Blunders

If Shade was frightened before, he presently about shit his pants. And when Krieg's furious feet sounded in the hallway, the manager about collapsed into a pile of sludge on the floor.

"Shit, he's gonna tear this guy apart before we can get any real answers." Mordecai said critically.

"Maya, stop Krieg if you can. We need Shade alive." Lilith ordered swiftly. Maya nodded and went into the hallway. She saw Krieg at the other end of the hallway, coming towards her like a freight train on nitro. Rather than try ineffectually to calm him down, she activated Phase-lock to incapacitate the psycho. Unfortunately for everyone, an oblivious hotel patron had decided at that moment to step out of her room to see what all the commotion was about. Phase-lock captured her instead and Krieg kept coming.

"Oh…shit," Maya cursed.

""I'M COMING FOR YOU COKE-BOTTLE MAN!" Krieg was bellowing

"Incoming!" Mordecai warned.

As Krieg exploded into the suite he was immediately restrained by Brick and Axton, who were both strapping, muscular men. Even so, he was still difficult to hold back. Lilith grabbed his face in her hands and tried to get his attention. "Krieg! Take it down a notch!"

Even as they held him, he was growling something indiscernible that finally came out as: "Escaping!"

Lilith turned. While Brick and Axton had been busy restraining Krieg and Maya had been preoccupied releasing the terrified patron from Phase-lock, Shade had somehow managed by the grace of God to flee the premises.  
"You've got to be kidding me. Mordecai were did he go?"

He didn't answer. Mordecai had disappeared into the bathroom, the excitement too much for his overtaxed stomach.

"Shade's gone! What the hell?" Axton shouted in confusion. He released his hold on Krieg who seemed to have calmed down a bit.

"He's taking the stairs down!" Maya called from the hallway. "I'm going after him!"

"Krieg go with her, everyone else we'll take the elevator!" Lilith said. The psycho leapt off after Maya. It was hard to believe he had only recently fallen from a sixth story window.

Reforming into a more organized group, the remaining vault hunters went after their escaping quarry; everybody except Mordecai.

"Go ahead you guys… I'm gonna be here…for a while…just me, and this charming toilet bowl…" his voice trailed off miserably.

The vault hunters were blessed with a stroke of luck and the elevator was already on their floor. They piled inside and Lilith punched the button for the lobby. The ride down was tense. The elevator music was terrible and the air was heavy with the smoke from the cigar smoking old man who had just exited. Lilith tapped her foot impatiently. After a few moments she said. "As soon as this thing touches down we're all over the place. I'll head outside with Axton. Brick you make sure he's not hiding in the lobby somewhere."

Axton exhaled noisily.

"What?" She eyed him.

"I still can't believe you met a guy named _Zachary_!"

"Oh for the love of God- really Axton? You're still on this?"

"No, no don't get me wrong. I'm happy for you! Just I guess I'll be running the Crimson Raiders while you're busy with your surfing lessons." He broke out into chortling. She growled. "Better than I can say for you. You tried to lay a robot."

"Ooh, low blow." Brick said.

"That's despicable of you. I was emotionally scarred by that. I still don't know why Yin was even there."

Silence resumed for several more moments. This time Brick grunted. "Is it just me? Or is this taking a really long time?"

"It's taking a really damned long time." Lilith said.

"It's like that scene in comedy movies where the characters stand around waiting in the elevator like nothing is happening." Axton said. After a beat he frowned. "Wait…"

Then the bell sounded and the doors finally slid open. Lilith led the charge out and straight into-

"Zachary! I'm so sorry I didn't see you there." Lilith apologized. Zachary stumbled back, his tight tank top now wet with spilled drink. He was everything Axton had envisioned: tan, muscled, with blue eyes and messy blonde hair and too much good looks for one guy.

"Uh hey Lilith, who are these guys?" Zachary asked, flicking a stray strand of his hair out of his ocean eyes.

"These two? They're here with me, I mean not with me! Their part of my party." Lilith was now partially red in the face. Zachary smiled, showing perfect straight white teeth. "Oh, that's cool. What's up bros?"

"Nothing much," Brick said warmly, shaking the bum's hand, "chasing a criminal mastermind."

"Oh shit! Where is Shade?" Lilith almost shouted. Zachary looked confused. "The manager? I saw him running outside a second ago. He seemed really out of breath like something was wrong. That dude needs to learn to chill out you know? Hey so do you want to grab drinks now or something?"

"She would," Axton interrupted. "But we're kind of in the middle of saving everybody's asses so she can't; unless you want to tag along, _Zachary_?"

Zachary grinned. "Sure would man, that sounds pretty cool, chasing masterminds."

The vault hunters were already running for the front doors. "Cool then, let's go!" Axton called.

* * *

Salvador was waiting outside the door for them. He was pointing frantically. "He's heading for the front gate!"

"Jesus man where the hell have you been?" Axton asked as they continued the pursuit. "You just vanished on us!"

"I was a little sidetracked; there was this old lady and a cat…"

They almost stopped running to stare at him.

"What? She needed some help with heavy suitcases! She reminded me of my abuela!" Salvador protested.

"I cannot but help old women who look like abuela. Besides you guys were drunk so I didn't think you were that serious."

"A grandma complex is what you have." Axton grumbled.

"I can see the son of a bitch; he's standing by the umbrella tables." Brick warned. The group altered course heading straight for the lone figure among the plastic chairs and canvas.

There was a shout from behind and the hunters turned to see another crowed coming up the veranda to their right. It was Zero and a posse of angry bandits.

"I'll be damned." Axton said.

"Whoa man," Zachary added.

Zero came marching up proudly with Trout and the others in tow. He was still wearing his towel cape and had his sword in hand. He nodded to his fellow vault hunters but did not stop to converse. Instead he and his host continued on towards Shade who appeared to be too out of breath or too frightened to run anymore.

"Since when does Zero hang out with bandits?" Lilith wondered.  
"Yeah, like whoa man." Zachary added.

"Maybe he found out about Shade before we did." Brick said.

"Whatever happened, let's get over there before they lynch him without us." Axton said.

Shade was indeed about to be violently manhandled. Zero stormed up to him and placed the tip of his sword under the quivering and slightly wrinkly flesh of the manager's chin. "Where is she you coward/you should me now or die/I will not ask twice."

"Um, uh, I, I," Shade could hardly speak.

"Hold up Zero, don't slit the guy's throat!" Axton called. "We need answers."

"Not so fast vault hunters! We got to him first; so we get to kill him first." Trout challenged. "You can kill him after we do."

"No one's killing anyone, at least not yet." Lilith said sternly. She eyed the eager bandits just waiting for a crack at their cornered prey. While she was plenty furious with Shade for whatever heinous plot he had been hatching, she was not about to let him be murdered in cold blood without good evidence. To this end she turned to Zero. "How did this happen?"

Zero shrugged. "Gaige jumped from rock/but then she did not come back/I could not find her."

Lilith's eyes widened in concern, "did you check the water? She could have been having trouble."

The assassin shook his head and held up the bikini top. "I saw her swimming/but she must have lost this/ psycho is missing too."

"Yeah! This freaky-eyed freak took Shark!" Trout agreed.

"Great, now Gaige is running around somewhere without her top. Alright Shade, what the hell have you been up to?" Lilith placed her hands on her hips and did her best to appear threatening. She had no need; he was already as intimidated as could be.

"Like I said, this is all just a big misunderstanding!" He reiterated. "I by no means have tried by any methods or plots to trap your two friends in their hotel room! Or kidnap anyone!"

"Where did you get the robot?" Axton inquired.

"The robot?" Shade seemed confused. Then he turned his head towards the gate and let out a shriek like a disembodied ghost might. "Oh god!"

"What the hell now…" Lilith scowled. Everyone turned towards the gate. There was a group approaching at a quick but ordered pace. At least fifteen of them there were: all clad in dark business suits, ties, and sunglasses and were armed with briefcases. Stepping with perfect timing, the front row broke off and circled right while the second row went left. The third row split both ways letting the final back row forward. There was no sound but rustling fabric and the tap of expensive oxfords in perfect sync.

"Whoa man," Zachary whispered. These men meant business, literally.

One of them stepped forward and cleared his throat. "Mister Shade, you obviously know exactly why we have come here."

Shade was trembling. "I, I just need a little more time! The profits are coming in tomorrow! If you'll all come back then-"

" ** _Mister_** Shade, you have already wasted numerous minutes of our precious time and we do not wish to waste many more. The deadline has passed and you owe us revenue on your resort; a lot of revenue if I'm not mistaken."

One of the other suits flipped his briefcase up expertly and opened it. He handed the first man a single sheet of paper.

"Ah, here it is: exactly four million and thirty-two thousand dollars and forty-eight cents." He returned the paper with a flourish. "That is without the interest I believe."

Shade was babbling like fool. The vault hunters and bandits were looking in on this strange scene mutely.

Lilith leaned closer to Axton and whispered through tight lips. "Who the hell are these guys? Secret agents? Loan sharks?"

"The investments have already been reimbursed! The resort is pulling in plenty of revenue. What do you want from me?" Shade quailed.

"But the deadline has passed Mr. Shade. Today is payday, well for the bank anyway." The man sneered.

Axton gaped. "Their bankers?"

"Unbelievable," Lilith grimaced. "Time for us to intervene; Excuse me gentlemen!" She waved boldly.

The bankers looked up simultaneously.

"Can we have an explanation here? This guy is in some trouble with his _patrons_ right now. Can you come back later?"

The lead banker sighed and removed his sunglasses. "Ma'am I'm afraid Mr. Shade is already in grave trouble with us, his bank. We loaned him exorbitant amounts of money even though his credit was bad so he could build this resort but it seems he is behind on returning the favor."

"By one day!" Shade shouted.

"Nevertheless he must pay us now or face loss of property as compensation." The banker was now grinning evilly. "Whatever petty complaint you have with him will wait until our business is finished."

Axton stepped forward assertively and placed a heavy hand on the banker's shoulder. He was amazed by the crispness of the man's suit. "Hey see here pal, we were here first and our friends are in trouble because of this guy. We need to talk to him first."

The banker's gaze shot to the hand on his shoulder and his eyes became like ice. "Remove that, or I will be forced to sue you…we brought our lawyers along as well in case Mr. Shade is feeling defiant."

Axton removed his hand but took another step forward. There was a glint in his own eyes. "Is that a threat?"

"Shit's about to get ugly." Brick said.

"Esto es malo," Salvador agreed. "This is bad."

The lead banker stretched his neck. "You know it's been awhile since I had the opportunity to personally put down a couple of bad investments. I'll even do you and your friends at no additional cost."

"Sounds like a one sided deal. No profit in that." Axton smiled dangerously. "Not that I'm very afraid of Mr. Smith-in-Shades here. Probably can't even afford real Gucci."

The lead banker's face went dark. "This suit is worth three thousand dollars and ninety-nine cents. I suggest you take that back!" He dropped his briefcase and cracked his knuckles. "Gentlemen, time to collect our investments."

Like a well trained military, the bankers placed their briefcases down and dropped back into martial art stances, prepared for assault. Across from them, the bandits ran forward to create their own staggered line, brandishing their guns.

Zero hesitated and then moved to join his fellow vault hunters in their own group. In this way, Shade was essentially in the center of a bristling triangle that was about to converge on itself. He really did not see how this day could possibly get much worse.

"This is not a very good plan Axton!" Lilith said.  
"I dunno, I kinda like it," Brick said, throwing a few practice punches.

"C'mon Lil, your just worried because you have to fight in a bikini!" Axton laughed fiercely. "Let's do this!"

The vault hunters moved in for the attack.

"Let's show these laymen how we do it on Wall Street!" The lead banker shouted. The bankers began a systematic charge.

"Kill em all!" Trout howled naturally. Then the bandit's line charged as well.

"Whoa man," Zachary said. The battle had begun.

* * *

Gaige's head hurt. Not a little bit, like when you hang upside down off a pull-up bar for too long. No this was more like having an avalanche, a volcano, and a hurricane all crashing around in your skull; minus the snow, water and scorching molten rock. Ooh, where's a painkiller when you need one?

Gaige opened her eyes and blinked several times to clear traces of saltwater out. They burned slightly. Maybe that whole jump off the big rock thing wasn't such a good idea after all.

"Geez, I get it head, you're not feeling well, you don't have to constantly remind me…" She muttered. The air was drafty, particularly on her chest region. Gaige looked down and instantly blushed. Her top was gone. Although there was no one around, she clapped her arms across herself and her metal arm banged into her bony hip, sending new waves of discomfort through her. "Okay, where the hell is my top?!"

She looked around hopefully, eager to spot the bright red nearby. No such luck. There seemed to be nothing but rocks and dirt around her. Now that she did look around, Gaige realized she certainly was not on the beach anymore. The sky was dark and the air was dense. The surrounding rock walls confirmed it. She was in some sort of underwater cave. Now a less adventurous girl might have panicked considered how many different ways there are to die in a cave, but Gaige was too salty for that. Instead, she got to her feet, still covering her breasts with her hands and inspected her environment. It was definitely a cave, a large one. The roof was at least twenty feet above her head and the area was at least twice that. The ground was certainly not flat however and was broken up into small hills of various rock piles or sandy lumps. It should have been pitch black, but there several large colonies of luminescent creatures residing on the ceiling and walls. Their eerie light cast a blue glow across the cave. Near the ground she had awakened on, water was bubbling and pooling up onto the wet sand, flowing in from the ocean. Gaige shivered to think how close to drowning she might have come. She now remembered having difficulty swimming away from the rock after her jump. At first she thought a rip tide might have caught her, but the pull was back towards land. She didn't remember anything much after that. Somehow the water had sucked her down into an underwater cave of some sort, right beneath the base of the rock.

"Well hell girl, you sure did it this time." She muttered. She began to pick her way away from the water. There was no way she was going to go back in unless there was no other way out. Her worries were ungrounded as the rear of the cave did not have a back. Instead it condensed down into a wide passage that seemed to go on and on, continually illuminated by the small blue creatures. There was nothing else for it but to follow their light. Although her head still hurt and her feet were sensitive to the rough ground and she was still topless, Gaige was still fairly far from displeased. She did feel a little apprehensive of what Zero might do when he realized she was missing. Hopefully he wouldn't commit any 'atrocities'.

She started into the tunnel section, leaving the cave behind but only got a few steps in when there was the sudden ominous sound of something chewing gruesomely.

Gaige couldn't imagine what creature could be making the noise it was making but she sure didn't want to find out. Her mind was filled with images of snapping bones and long, sharp teeth. She steeled herself and clenched her metallic fist. Whatever it was, it would get a broken nose and indigestion at least if it ate her.

The sounds were nearby, around the next bend in the tunnel. There was nothing for it but to get closer.

Gaige kept close to the left wall, moving as quietly as she could. With every step the crunching became louder and more discernable. She realized there was a voice muttering along with the chewing.

" _Much-munch_ , no more orange for my meat ball. _Munch-munch,_ Lost all my hands for my sandy merry-go-round!"

Gaige rounded the last corner and came upon Shark the psycho squatting on the ground in a corner with his bony back to her. Her foot crunched in the dirt and he whipped around. "Meat for my ball!" He shouted gleefully.

To be continued…


	6. The Battle of the Resort

NOTE: Sorry again for the delay in publication. Only one chapter left to write for this saga. I recommend listening to epic orchestral scores while reading this chapter. It improves the experience ;)

Act Six: The Battle of the Resort

The psycho's voice echoed loudly around the walls of the tunnel. He rose from his hunched position and shuffled towards her, bent low like a hunchback. Gaige backtracked but realized she was already up against the wall. With her human arm wrapped across her chest she menaced the foe with her metal one.

"Stay back, I'm warning you! This hand hurts a lot more than you might think."

But the psycho Shark did not seemed to want her bloody and dead, not yet. He stopped a few feet away and seemed to be inspecting her all over from behind the bright lenses of his mask. Gaige turned sideways, her cheeks reddening. "Whoa, eyes off the merchandise buddy. I've already got a boyfriend and even if I didn't, Maya's the only one who dates psychos, I mean, no offense."

Shark stamped his foot impatiently. "Found some new beef for my windmill machine!" He mimicked hitting a ball with his hands, flailing his arms like a windmill might. Then he hung his head in despair.

"But no more orange for the party!"

"Orange? Oh you mean your beach ball! Yeah sorry I don't think you're going to find it down here." Gaige said sympathetically. It was actually a little depressing seeing how sad the psycho looked. His thin shoulders were slumped and his head was still drooped. He was also muttering unintelligibly in a defeated tone. As awkward and possibly dangerous as this situation was, Gaige felt sorry for him. They were both stranded in a strange place, he without his ball and she without proper apparel. They shared an odd sort of bond in that way. She could use the company anyway; it was really lonesome down here.

She turned to the psycho. "Well, looks like you and me both are looking to get out of here. Whaddaya say? Work together for a bit? Just until we find a way out. Who knows, we might even find your ball down here."

Shark sniffed, "orange ice cream for my windmill party?"

"That's the spirit. We don't really have much of a choice but to take this tunnel here."

"Split the blood sacs! Find the meat inside!"

"Sure, those too; let's go then." Gaige started to travel but Shark poked her arm. She stepped back in distrust but he held out something. It was a plastic takeout bag from McBadlands- a cheap fast food chain that was steadily popping up all across Pandora. Their burgers were delicious, but death for anyone looking to keep their arteries clear. The bag was empty and he persisted when she waved it away. Shark pantomimed wrapping it around his own thin chest and Gaige understood what he was trying to explain.

"Oh, thanks, I think." She took the bag awkwardly and and turned around. With a few twists and a quick knot in the back it was done. The bag was uncomfortable and comical looking but it did the job of covering her chest and she now had both her hands free. She was appreciative of Shark's peace offering. She also saw what the psycho had been eating so loudly. A half eaten burger and some primeval French fries on a rock. Who knew how long they had sat there, but Shark didn't seem to mind. He snatched up the burger and followed Gaige deeper into the tunnel.

"Alright my strange and somewhat insane companion, let's get out of here ASAP – because this bag really itches…"

"Hm! The meat tastes like death!"

"You really shouldn't eat that."

* * *

Perhaps on another day when the situation was not so crazy the vault hunters would have been kicking ass efficiently like normal and pwning their classically karate trained enemies. But given the fact that several of them were more than slightly intoxicated, wearing summer clothes and only Zero was actually armed they were not doing very well.

When the dam broke, Axton and Lilith had sprinted forward in an attempt to nab Shade before eradication did. If he was dead then finding Gaige and the meaning behind this whole mess would become a lot more difficult. But the bankers reached him first. The bandits opened fire and should have cut down several of their numbers, but the marauders were all so drunk that the shots went completely wild and not a single banker was even injured. "Come on you louts! Fire again!" Trout was shouting. One psycho did manage to head butt a banker but was then K.O.'d by a drop kick. While Axton grappled with an adversary, Lilith used Phase-walk to avoid two incoming attacks and regroup with him. They both kicked his foe and the man collapsed. Black belt or no, a good old punt still works. Lilith leaned against him, breathing hard.

"What's wrong with you?" Axton shouted over the horrendous racket. It sounded like a world war was in progress. Lilith panted. "My energy reserves are low. I didn't bring any Eridium with me. Figured it would be like smuggling in drugs or something. I wasn't expecting to have to fight like this!"

Lilith threw out an arm and clothes-lined a passing banker, laying her out flat. "We're not exactly losing!"

"But we're sure not winning." Axton said grimly. "Where the hell is Shade?"

Salvador was fighting nearby. "The bankers got em! Their dragging him towards the gate!" Lilith looked wildly towards the entrance. There was Shade, held captive between two bankers. He was no fighter and could only struggle weakly. Behind them, the lead banker followed. He turned and waved smugly to the vault hunters.

"Aw come on! We kidnapped him first!" Axton groaned.

"We need to counterattack!"

"With what? Lawn chairs?"

The battle continued on, but the tide had turned against the vault hunters. With the bandits incapable of hitting anything in their drunken stupors, the bankers overpowered them one by one until only Trout and a few marauders were still swinging, using their guns like clubs. With the bandits down, the enemy could focus all of their strength on overwhelming Brick whose heavy fists had already put numerous out of commission. The bankers swarmed him like a group of black ants in expensive suites, dragging the berserker down. He punched upward through them one last time with a desperate hand, calling out. "Save yourselves!"

Then he was gone under a mountain of bureaucracy.

 _"Holy shit, they'll sue him to death!"_ Axton thought. Salvador was also in trouble. Zero was doing a bit better, considering he had his sword. (This would later become a sore point in the trial as he along with the bandits was charged with carrying weapons into a free zone.)

"We need a plan and fast. We have to stop them from getting out of the gate!" Axton said. "I'll get their attention, Lil you use Phase-walk so you can -" He didn't see the blow coming until too late. A single leather shoe had struck him where it counted. The one place a man cannot defend against without wearing a ridiculous codpiece- the groin. He fell to one knee, gasping as pain took him. Around him, the sounds of battle grew faint, and his vision dimmed. It was then that the despair took him.

They had failed. Shade had been re-kidnapped and Gaige was still missing and he had had too much to drink and Mordecai had had too much to drink and Yin had really seemed like a good catch and Lilith had met a beach bum and– holy hell he had an idea. It just might be enough to save them.

Mustering every ounce of his remaining strength and willpower, Axton rose back up to his feet and faced the coward who had wounded him. His eyes were ablaze with fury. His crotch ached but he stood firm. Before his astonished enemy could react, Axton brought his size 11, steel-toed army boot up between the banker's legs and sent him skyward. Abruptly his hearing and vision were restored and he felt Lilith shaking him. "Jesus! Axton, are you okay?"

"Lilith, there's only one way to win this." Axton said solemnly.

"What?"

"You have to flash them."

" _What_?"

"Flash your boobs; you're the only female on our team at the moment. Most of our opponents are male. It's our only chance. They'll be stunned just long enough for that counterattack."

"How badly did that guy hit your nuts?"

"Lilith…" Axton took her hands gently in his, his stern blue eyes still on fire. She gazed back in surprise while the battle continued to rage around them. She could see Brick's bulky form still pinned down; Salvador barely able to resist the same fate. Zero was beside them, stabbing at the bankers while they used their briefcases like shields against his blade. His sword was broken in half, but he used it still, hacking and slashing, his towel cape in tatters. Even Trout was still standing, but could not brawl much longer. Shade was almost out of reach. Lilith understood what she needed to do. She squeezed Axton's hands. "Stand back, and _don't_ look."

He nodded and smiled. "Do us proud."

Lilith reached up and grasped the side of her top. The bankers had them nearly surrounded.

"Alright you bastards," Lilith shouted. "Give me free checking next time!" She pulled the thin fabric up and completely free of her body. Time stopped and the bankers who saw her were rendered immobile. They were stunned.

"Hell yeah!" Axton hooted, careful to keep his eyes averted lest he suffer the same fate. He leapt forward into the stunned enemy with renewed vigor. Salvador threw off his own attackers and rushed to aid Brick, who had begun to rise like a creature of the deep from beneath the pile of bodies. Zero saw most of the bandits had revived and rallied them behind him. Lilith deftly replaced her top and grinned. The bankers stumbled back, the spell broken. But now the vault hunters had reformed their lines.

The lead banker stood by the main gate. "Give them a taste of our credit loans!" He called furiously. But his associates were not so eager anymore, they were afraid.

"Let's get ourselves a little payback!" Axton said. "Charge!"

His forces rumbled across the veranda and crashed into the banker's ranks, sweeping them aside like fire though a pile of greenbacks.

The lead banker gasped in shock and turned to usher his two followers along with their prisoner. "Let's get out of here!"

"Save me!" Shade wailed. The bankers dragged him the last few feet towards the gate. But as the lead banker reached for the button, he froze in mid step. He looked down in surprise to see purple energy surrounding his middle, holding him in place. There was a whistling sound and both of his followers fell senseless, each struck in the head by neatly thrown coconuts.

"Good shot Krieg!" Maya praised. She walked towards the gate, her hand surrounded by energy, Phase-lock still active. Krieg strode beside her, another coconut ready in his hand.

"Who the hell are you?" The lead banker spat. Maya smiled. "We're better late than never, right Krieg?"

Krieg wound his arm back and threw a perfect fastball. When it connected with the banker's skull it made a hollow clunking sound. He looked surprised, and then was unconscious. Maya released Phase-lock and his form slumped to the ground. Shade sat on the ground, bewildered.

Across the way, the bandits were cheering in victory, standing over the prone figures of the surrendered bankers.

The Battle for the Resort was over.

* * *

Gaige and Shark had followed the tunnel all the way to its end. It opened out into another cavern, this one far larger than the first one. Gaige looked about. "Wow, look at this place."

Shark sniffed. "Bitter smoke contorts my fleshy nostrils!"

"I can understand Krieg most of the time, but you're going to have to repeat that."

But the psycho had moved on, shambling between the rocks on the floor. He was heading quickly for the other end of the cavern and Gaige followed. Suddenly he halted and she crashed into his back.

"Stop, go, make up your mind dude; what's so interesting? Oh, that is."

They were standing on the edge of a precipice. Before them was a steep drop into a fathomless pit of blackness. Rising from the blackness were tendrils of smoke. The vapors rose towards the roof and disappeared. It was what was on the far side of the chasm that had the duo's attention.

A sinister structure had been built into the wall of the cavern. Some sort of station, built out of darkened steel and skeletal fittings separated only by skinny windows from which an eerie green glow emanated.

Gaige and Shark looked at each other.

"Cool…" she whispered. "We have to totally check that place out. Look, I can see a way across."

Not far on the left was a stone bridge spanning the chasm and connecting to a short path leading to the building. Gaige headed for the bridge and Shark followed. Although there was no one around, they went across it as stealthily as possible, hiding behind some scattered rocks on the other side. They were now looking at the building from its right side and could see a door at the top of a flight of metal stairs. Shark shivered.

"This is so cool! I wish Zero could see this!" Gaige mouthed excitedly. Then she grew serious. "But yeah, it's probably full of enemies who want to kill us or something. Let's go." Once again with the psycho trailing after her, she moved across the path and up the stairs, slowly so they didn't creak. The automatic door slid open without a sound and without a touch. Gaige and Shark looked in with hesitation. The room behind the door was pristine and large. There was no overhead illumination, but plenty of brightness came from the screens of a dozen or so flat screen monitors stationed all around. In fact the whole room was humming with electronics. The door unexpectedly slid shut behind them. Gaige and Shark walked to the nearest monitor. It was showing a picture of a beach. But when things in the picture moved they realized it was a video.

"That beach looks really familiar." Gaige said disbelievingly. "Oh, that's the resort beach. Look! There's the rock!" Sure enough, at the far right of the screen was the large boulder she had jumped off of earlier.

They moved to the next monitor – this one showed a view of the front gate from the inside. The next screen was divided into smaller squares, each presenting a different guest room view. Gaige reached out for the keyboard beneath the monitor and typed in a few things. A list popped up with pages of information on it. "This is insane! Shade has got a whole network of hidden cameras set up! He can monitor every inch of the resort right from here."

"Shadow man's got a million eyes!" Shark commented.

"That's right he does. And this is some top level tech he's got in here too. How did he build all of this?"

Gaige mused to herself. Shark began to grunt excitedly, motioning her over to the next screen. The final one caught their attention. In the main courtyard, the battle against the bankers was in its beginning stages. They could see their friends talking and moving.

"What? There's a battle going on up there right now? And we're missing it! There's got to be a way out of here!"

Gaige grabbed the keyboard. "Maybe I can hack into his system, find a way to-"

"INTRUDER ALERT, UNAUTHORIZED USER DETECTED." A loud electronic voice announced from the screen. Gaige froze. There was a clatter from the next room. The noise of footsteps sounded closer.

"Oh shit! Hide!" Gaige gasped. The pair ducked down behind the nearest desk and held still. Gaige couldn't see anything but the glow of Shark's mask and the computer screens. The footsteps came closer until they were in the room. Suddenly a light was flicked on and the room was filled with white light.

"Ow! Okay, okay we surrender already! Geez, you don't have to blind us!" Gaige said, standing up with a hand over her eyes.

"Oh," said a voice. "I was unaware anyone was in here." The lights dimmed and a woman appeared before them. She was attractive, with dark brown hair piled around her shoulders, looking impossibly smooth and silky. There was a glint of sharp eyes behind large coke-bottle glasses. The name tag on her shirt said Yin.

"Uh, look lady we're not trying to like steal any of your high tech shit or anything. We just want to get out of here so we can help our friends. Would you show us the way out?"

Yin smiled, showing perfect teeth between ruby red lips. "Password please,"

"Excuse me?"

"Password please,"

"Meat makes my heart sing!"

"Shush Shark; I'm sorry I don't know what you mean."

"PASSWORD PLEASE," the words were ringing. Yin's eyes were fairly cold behind her glasses. Gaige thought she'd seen those dumb glasses somewhere before. She stammered. "Um…bacon?"

Yin's eyes turned red and her hands disassembled then reassembled into a pair of massive, chain fed machine guns trained right on the duo. "INTRUDER IDENTIFIED. TERMINATE IMMEDIATELY."

Gaige's eyes went wide, "wrong password!" She grabbed Shark's arm and sprinted past the Yin bot out of the room just as machine gun fire peppered the wall where they had been standing.

"Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!" Gaige recited as they dashed through the next room and into a long hallway. "This is so cool! and super terrifying at the same time."

The Yin bot was coming after them. Gaige and Shark ran all the way down the hall where it split into two different openings: one led into a room and the other another hall.

"C'mon, we'll hide in here!" Gaige pulled her psycho companion into the room and slid the door shut. They panted loudly for several moments. Ringing footsteps passed by outside and continued on down the other way.

"Sucker!" Gaige wheezed. "Okay, now we really need to get _out_ of here." The room they were in now was almost empty, accept for a pair of access doors that said ELEVATOR at the other end and a single terminal right in the center of the floor. Gaige inspected it. "Whoa, if this is what I think it is, and I'm usually right when I think something is what it is, and I'm pretty sure this is what I think it is. Then we can totally get out of here and leave a little surprise for the freaky staff." Shark cocked his head.

"We could rig this terminal to set this base to explode sky high, without even cracking the surface!"

He perked up at the mention of explosions. "The pain never stops!"

"Not for that robot bitch it won't. Give me a sec." Gaige began typing into the console. "There's combustible pressure tanks housed somewhere below us. I can close the thermal exhaust. That was that smoke we smelled. If I do that, the place will go up like a kerosene Christmas tree. But no one on the surface will even feel a vibration."

Shark was lurking by the door, listening. "I feel a nice little vibration in my black gut."

The footsteps were coming back, louder than before. In fact there was a lot more than one pair of metal feet this time. Shark peered through a small view port in the door. Outside, the hall was filled with Yin bots, all aiming their weapons. Bullets battered the door, some managing to rip through and go screaming into the wall behind. While Gaige continued to work furiously on the console, Shark was doing an elaborate dance of dodge-the-bullets.

"Almost got it! Alright, time to go Shark!" She grabbed the prancing psycho and dragged him towards the access doors. They slid open to reveal a circular elevator pod. Once inside, Gaige punched the up arrow and the pod began to rise, just as the door collapsed into little pieces and the robots stormed through.

"Ha-ha yeah! In ten seconds those robots will be having serious problems!" Gaige cheered.

But the elevator suddenly stopped dead with no explanation. She tapped the button, once twice. Shark was staring at her, possibly trying to evoke an expression of irony.

"Uh, okay, hang on to something I guess…" Gaige giggled nervously.

Ten seconds later, the pod was rocketing towards the surface on a column of blazing fire. Gaige was hanging onto Shark for dear life while the psycho screamed something about charred bones. The pod crashed through the roof of the shaft and into the open air.

It bounced off of the roof and rolled slowly to a smoky stop on green grass, not two feet away from the victorious group of vault hunters and bandits.

To be concluded…


	7. The Trial Part I

NOTE: Okay, okay I lied. This IS the last chapter, but it's in two parts because it's longer. Anyways, thank you for reading.

Act Seven: The Trial Part I

The aftermath of the Battle of the Resort was fairly calm. Only moments after Gaige and Shark staggered out of the battered elevator pod, coughing on fumes and covered in soot, the local Pandoran Sheriff's department had showed up. They had received over a dozen echo messages from panicked tourists claiming there was a war raging on the patio, not to mention a horrendous sound like an explosion. Just when it seemed they would finally get some answers, the vault hunters reluctantly let themselves be arrested along with all the bankers- although most of them were headed first for the hospital. The bandits were arrested too. Trout didn't seem to care much; they were more overjoyed to see that Shark was back. Shark himself was delighted to see his beach-ball was still intact.

Before they led him away, Gaige gave him a big hug. "You're like, the best partner in blowing shit up. Come hang out with us sometime yeah?" Shark acknowledged by shaking his ball over his head.

Then a deputy slapped a pair of cuffs on her. Gaige sighed in disappointment. "I guess we aren't getting to finish our vacation then? Poop,"

A pair of gray arms in handcuffs embraced her from behind. Gaige gasped. "There you are! I missed you! I wish you could have seen the ultra cool cave and stuff below this place. That reminds me, Shade is definitely Mr. Creepy. Do you know he had like a thousand security cameras-"

"Ma'am, I suggest you save this information for the judge." The deputy said.

"Oh, right! You have the right to remain silent and all that. Sorry I forgot."

Zero sighed. "Glad to see you are okay/I was really worried/no more big rocks okay?"

Gaige smiled. "Okay, no more big rocks. Let's see if they'll let us ride together."

Across from them, Krieg and Maya were also being loaded into a squad truck. By this time, a crowd of inquisitive patrons had gathered to watch the proceedings. Apparently some of them had witnessed the battle from their windows and cheered when Brick and Salvador were brought to the gate.

"Maybe, they owed those guys money too?" Salvador wondered. "Like we did them a favor."

"I'm just glad we got to fight something," Brick said. "I was getting a little bored."

"Yeah, it's too bad I didn't get to use the nuke I brought." Salvador sighed. "There were some breaching charges and grenades in there too, all in my bag."

Maya popped straight back up out of the squad truck. Her face was strained. "Sal…you had what, in your bag!?"

The sheriffs had to help Mordecai from the suite building. He was still weak on his legs and seemed dazed by the afternoon sunlight. "Whoa…it's so bright out here."

He squinted at the crowd. "What the hell are they lookin at?"

As they led him past Lilith and Axton he burped. "Sorry I wasn't much help back there. Looks like you guys had fun out here though." Then he was gone too.

Lilith and Axton shared a smile. "You kicked some serious ass back there." Lilith said. "If you hadn't come up with that ludicrous plan, we might have actually lost for once."

"Maybe, but we can't win em all, can we?" Axton grinned. "I'm glad you brought us here Lil, even if we are getting arrested right now. It was a good vacation." He held out his hands while a sheriff placed cuffs on them. Right before he departed, Axton leaned in close to Lilith and whispered. "Your rack is fantastic. Say goodbye to _Zachary_ for me." Then he was led away, laughing.

Lilith growled before realizing Zachary was standing next to her, looking perplexed. She coughed. "Geez, I'm sorry Zachary. I really, really wanted to grab a drink with you. Unfortunately, this kind of stuff seems to follow me wherever I go."

Zachary shrugged. "It's all good. It was kinda cool actually. I just hid behind that chair over there when you guys were like, fighting and stuff but it's all good now."

"Well, I suppose I can't join you for drinks while I'm in prison. I'm sorry." She said regretfully.

"Actually, Mr. Zachary here needs to come with us." One of the sheriffs said.

"What? Me too?" Zachary asked.  
"Officer, he had nothing to do with all this. He was just a bystander, really." Lilith interceded but the sheriff waved her down. "We understand that. Some of the witness already confirmed it. But we still need to bring him in to answer some questions."

Zachary looked at Lilith. "Sure, can I ride with them?" The sheriff shrugged, "fine by me."

"We can like, talk on the way there." Zachary said earnestly. Lilith smiled. "I'd like that. But officer, can we please get the car that Axton isn't in?"

And so, the sun was beginning to set behind the pristine mountains and the rolling waves crashing into the sandy coastline. Curiously, the storm that had been brewing mysteriously dissipated shortly after Zero and Gaige reunited. The only real sign of any disturbance was the broken window, destroyed carcass of the bed, and the column of smoke still rising from the new hole in the roof.

The sheriffs and their charges rolled out of the resort, leaving the group of bewildered tourists behind.

* * *

Although the Pandoran justice system was relatively new, it was swift. The vault hunters, bandits, and bankers were taken to the court house which was located not far from the resort in the lowlands.

Everyone spent the night there, each faction in a different cell, staring daggers at each other through the bars until every person fell asleep one by one. Shade however had been placed in his own separate cell – a good call on the sheriff's part. Zachary volunteered to stay in the vault hunter's cell the whole night, earning Axton's respect. Everyone was exhausted and were soon asleep and snoring without a care.

Morning came far too quickly for all of them. Apparently a court date had already been set for the day after the incident and without delay, the charges would be met. But first…

After the bankers and bandits had been hustled away, a man by the name of Sheriff Kirk came to visit the vault hunters. "Morning y'all, I'm Sheriff Kirk, I've been assigned to your side of the case."

Axton rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Great, listen Sheriff, will there be coffee within the near future?"

"Actually I'm here to talk to you about your attorney."

The vault hunters looked at each other.

"What makes you think we have a lawyer?" Lilith said. "Do you know who we are? Our profession isn't really what you would call liable."

"We're the guys that kick all the ass; mostly bandit ass, but occasionally evil mastermind ass and yesterday banker ass." Gaige put in.

Sheriff Kirk sighed. "Yeah I know who every single one of you is, except for that blonde gentleman."

Zachary waved.

"Anyways, in order for this to proceed to the court room y'all need someone to represent your side of the story. Mr. Shade already has a lawyer and well, those bankers have too many. The bandits…we're still trying to figure out how they will work. Anyways, the thing is, someone has already volunteered to represent your case. A certain gentlemen, he was very insistent he be assigned but I didn't think it right without y'all decide for yourselves."

"Well," Maya said. "Who is he?"

"Does he have a fancy suit and everything?" Salvador asked. "I feel our lawyer should be well dressed."

Sheriff Kirk stepped aside to allow someone behind him to enter the room. There was the sound of footsteps and the shadow of a figure with perfect hair and facial structure, swaggering in an expensive tail coat. They recognized who it was before he turned the corner.

"Hey, hey vault hunters. Long time no see?" The CEO of Hyperion Corporation, Handsome Jack greeted.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me." Axton said.

"Brick!" Mordecai slurred. "Tell that bastard to come closer so I can puke all over him."

Krieg growled menacingly.

Handsome Jack raised his arms in astonishment. "Well hell I was kinda expecting a cheerier welcome than that. I am here to help you all out after all. Couldn't it be like 'hey Handsome Jack!' or 'thank you for volunteering to save our asses, Jack!"  
"How about go to hell Jack, I personally would rather rot in here than be bailed out by you." Maya said coldly.

"Agreed," Brick declared.

Jack crossed his arms. "Pathetic, and after I came all the way out here! You guys act like we're worst enemies or something. Oh wait, we are worst enemies and yet here I am, offering to do you all a huge favor."

Lilith eyed him through the bars. "Why are you really here? You looking to have us killed?"

Sheriff Kirk shook his head vigorously. "He tries anything like that and he's going straight in there with you."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Look vault hunters here's the deal. If you guys all go to jail, then my whole destroy-your-pathetic-little- rebellion-plan is ruined - thank you new Pandora justice system! Believe it or not, I am a law abiding citizen. SO, I'm gonna help you all out TEMPORARILY. Everyone stays out of jail, and I don't lose my arch enemies, sound good? Great, I knew you would like it."

"Still doesn't make sense." Axton said. "We need a lawyer, not a fanatical corporation CEO."

Handsome Jack was probably grimacing under his mask. "Listen, when you go to big business school they also make you learn all this law and order bullshit. Then you end up on a pretty much lawless planet like Pandora and all that goes out the window. Fortunately for you, I actually remember all of it and can use it."

"So you can lawyer and stuff?" Gaige asked.

"You bet girlie, most boring crap I ever had to study but I guess even shit comes in handy sometimes, and from what I've learned about your case, you kiddies are in deep."

The vault hunters were still unconvinced. Sheriff Kirk cleared his throat. "I'm sorry to rush your decision along. But if you don't decide in the next couple of minutes, we'll have to assign you the new public defense attorney and uh, well you don't want to know."

"So decide already vault hunters, you either get me or you get pro-bono bozo out there. What's it gonna be?" Handsome Jack said impatiently.

Lilith ushered everyone into a huddle in the back of the cell so Jack couldn't eavesdrop.

"Alright, what do you guys think?"

"I hate to say it, I mean I really hate to say it, but I don't think we have much of a choice." Axton said.

"Same here, if Jack really wants to get us out I think he will." Maya agreed gravely. Krieg nodded reluctantly.

"Shit, are we serious here?" Mordecai asked. "Guys, this is Handsome Jack we're talking about. You know the guy who's been trying to kill us for months?"

"Mordy, we can't fight him from a prison cell." Gaige said. "Nobody wants it, but I really really don't want to have to go to jail. I mean, where are me and Zero going to go for our dates? Do they let the men and women's prisons do field days together?"

"Time's running out sweethearts!" Handsome Jack called to them.

He received more than a few middle fingers in response.

"Geez," he quipped. "Touchy."

"Let's put it to a vote then." Lilith said. "Everyone in favor of letting Handsome Douche defend us?"

"I have to say yes," Axton said.

"Afraid so," said Gaige.

"It seems we have little choice now/I have to vote yes/Jack helps us now, kick his ass later."

"Zero's right, I'm in too and I think Krieg as well." Maya decided. Krieg nodded again.

"Eh, I guess letting Jack do us a favor isn't the end of the world." Salvador said.

"That just leaves you two." Lilith said, looking at Brick and Mordecai. Both seemed stubbornly obstinate.

"Come on you guys, its majority vote. You could at least be good sports about it." Gaige pleaded. "It's not like any of us really like this."

"Humph," Brick grunted.

"Hmm," Mordecai added.

"Then it's settled." Lilith declared. "Let's give him the grand news." The huddle broke and the vault hunters faced Jack. "Alright, you've got yourself the job. Now tell us how you're going to get us out of here."

Handsome Jack clapped his hands. "Excellent, let's get this court into session! Actually first I need you to tell me everything that happened. And we've got like-" he glanced at his echo-device. "Twenty minutes before the judge gets here so make it quick! But tell me every last little dirty detail. Hey, Wyatt Earp you have a stool or something for me to sit on around here?"

Sheriff Kirk grunted in annoyance but went to find Handsome Jack something to sit on.

"The trial is in twenty minutes?!" said Axton incredulously.

"Afraid so, it's the first one ever so it's more of a test run; their still working the kinks out." Jack said.

"This just gets better and better."

"Shit, whatever. I guess I'll start." Lilith grunted. "Everyone else feel free to jump in. So we got to the resort early yesterday…"

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Handsome Jack was nearly bent over, chuckling to himself. The vault hunters were all scowling but he didn't seem to notice.

"Can we kill our lawyer?" Salvador asked. "He can't sue us if he's dead."

"Holy. Crap. That was hilarious! Gaige, you were really wearing a fast food bag as a bra while exploring Adventure Cave with a psycho who plays volleyball? Oh my god this is great." Jack chortled.

"You're about to be bagged in a second." Gaige growled. "That bag gave me lines!"

"And Lilith! You actually flashed your boobs to give those bankers seizures! I'd like to shake the hand of whoever's idea that was."

"Jack, I swear to God if you don't…" Lilith started.

Jack composed himself. "Alright, alright I've had my fun. Crap, but I've got my work cut out for me now! Where to start? I suppose we could just cop an insanity plea."

"You idiot! We're not insane!" Maya argued.

"Says the siren that has a psycho boyfriend," Jack pointed out. "But whatever, we're out of time. We'll have to do this the old fashioned way. It sucks I can't just get some loaders down here and bust a hole in the wall."

Sheriff Kirk had his hand on his sidearm and seemed not far from using it.

Jack continued. "But I'm not a monster so I won't! Anyways, let's get this court into session! Where's that judge?"

To be concluded (For real this time)…


	8. The Trial Part II

Act F: The Trial Part II

Since there were so many separate parties involved, the courtroom was arranged oddly to allow for four different defendants. That meant there were also four separate lawyers, to stare each other down in cold evaluation. There was a large group of spectators sitting in the back, apparently eager to see how this one would play out.

The vault hunter's benches were to the far right side from the judge's perspective, pressed together in grim rows on the uncomfortable seats. Next was Shade, looking fairly green and unwell. His lawyer was a tall, thin man with immaculate hair, an ill fitting suit and a face that would sour lemons. He was busily looking over notes and ignoring his client entirely.

The third section, where the bandits would have been was empty. They were nowhere to be seen. Then at the far left were the bankers, beside the jury box. They looked positively pissed, particularly the boss. He was muttering something and throwing dirty looks eastward.

Handsome Jack seemed pretty at ease. But with his mask, it was difficult to tell. His foot was tapping impatiently on the floor. Lilith leaned over to him. "Are you sure you can pull this off?"

He waved her away. "Of course I can. I've done stuff like this million times."

Beside Lilith, Axton pantomimed shooting himself in the head.

* * *

"All rise, for the honorable Judge Judge." The bailiff bellowed, shocking everyone into standing.

The side door slid open and the esteemed judge of the Pandora Supreme Court entered the room. He was a short, bald man with a bushy mustache and spectacles who looked more suited to running an old antique bookstore than a court room. He shuffled to his chair (which had been boosted up to compensate) and took his seat. "Everybody can sit down now." The bailiff grunted. Everyone sat back down.

Gaige perked up. "Hey guys, is that Scooter in the jury box?"

The vault hunters craned their necks and spotted Sanctuary's redneck mechanic waving excitedly at them from among the assorted jurors.

"What is he doing here!?" Lilith said, alarmed. "He's supposed to be watching the generators so Sanctuary doesn't fall out of the sky!"

The judge snorted loudly, drawing everyone's attention. He wrinkled his nose. "Ahem, something in the nose, sorry."

"Who the hell is this judge anyways?" Mordecai muttered. "And what's with his name?"

"Goggles man needs a face waxing!" Krieg said a little too loudly. The bailiff looked up suspiciously.

The judge seemed completely oblivious however and sniffed. "Ahem, let's get this court into session. Okey-dokey people, we are here to dispute _Shade vs. Vault Hunters vs. Bandits vs. Smith & Associates. _As you all can see, the bandits are not present as their current state of affairs have been deemed 'unfit' for trial. We will continue without them."

"Bandits helped find Shade and Gaige/necessary for the case/this is bad for us." Zero said.

The judge was still going.

"Yesterday at precisely 5:38, Sheriff Kirk here received a call that there was a disturbance at Shade's Resort and arrived at the scene to find the place in total chaos. A battle had erupted between eight vault hunters, two score business men, and approximately fourteen bandits of various shapes and sizes. From what evidence was gathered, these three factions had engaged in an all out war on Mr. Shade's property, which as I believe, is a non-violence district."

"That is correct." Shade's lawyer: Mr. Murdock confirmed. "The damage caused by this brawl was extreme. Several buildings were damaged and there was smoke pouring out of my client's office."

"To be fair, that smoke was entirely not my fault!" Gaige protested.

"Order please! We are here to debate the true cause of this violence and bring the true perpetrators to justice." The judge seemed to have trouble inhaling and was now wheezing heavily. "Now then, Mr. Smith, would you like to make a statement?"

"That's it? The bankers just get to go first?" Maya wondered.

"We will forgo an opening statement." Mr. Smith declared.

"Very well, Mr. Shade, anything you would like to say?" The judge asked.

Shade looked ready to speak up, but Mr. Murdock was quicker.

"Mr. Shade has nothing to say." He recited curtly.

Judge Peabody blinked. "Very well, uh vault hunters, would you like to make a statement?"

"Yes we would." Handsome Jack acknowledged. He swaggered forward and turned dramatically to the room.

"Good people of Pandora. Let me just bring up how my clients – the vault hunters – are known to you as the saviors of the waste and the protectors of innocence from the bandit hordes! And that their only crime here, is attempting to take a few well needed days off from saving the world. Is that too much to ask? Many of you would be nothing more than piles of Skag crap or worse if not for them. Think about it people!"

"Ahem, is that all Mr. Jack?" the judge asked irately.

"You bet your honor." Handsome Jack sat back down smugly next to Lilith.

"I can't believe you said all of that with a straight face." She said sardonically.

"Don't worry sweetheart, I'm just getting started."

"Now then," said the judge. "Mr. Shade, you get to be the plaintiff, since it was your property that was destroyed; congratulations. Your lawyer, Murdock may question the vault hunters if necessary."

"Ob-jec-tion!" Somebody hollered from the jury box. Everyone turned to look at Scooter in surprise.

He looked around sheepishly. "Uh, was I not supposed to say that just yet?"

"You're not supposed to say it at all." Said the judge, "restrain yourself please!"

Scooter sunk low in his chair. "Oh…wull, okay then."

"Miss Lilith," Murdock announced; his voice as thin as his face. "Is it true that you and your companions made reservations at my client's resort?"

"If you mean did we stay there? Then yeah." Lilith answered truthfully.

"And were you aware that my client has a clear "no violence" policy?"

"Objection!" Handsome Jack declared. "The question is totally irrelevant. We already knew about the policy. You're just reiterating old news, my good friend. But I guess that's common at your age."

Mr. Murdock glared at Jack. "Is this how you would defend your client? Pitiable Handsome Jack; as is your name."

"Sustained," the judge pronounced.

"Maybe Jack does know what he's doing." Axton whispered to Mordecai.

"Well then," Mr. Murdock sniffed. "Miss Lilith, why at around 3:25 were you in an empty suite that was NOT booked for you?"

Axton, Brick and Mordecai all leaned in. Lilith had never given an explanation for why she had been in Yin's suite. Lilith slowly reddened.

Handsome Jack took the initiative. "Objection!"

"Again? Overruled," the judge determined.

"Um, well I, well..." Lilith knew there was no way around it. "Okay, I was nervous about having drinks with Zachary. I saw the room was empty and ducked in for a second to get my bearings. That's all!" She finished in one long breathe.

Mr. Murdock blinked in surprise, "oh, very well then."

"Oh man, Lil got stage fright." Mordecai whistled.

"Didn't think I'd see the day," Brick added.

"Whoa man," Zachary said.

"Mr. Zero!" Murdock called next. "Is it true that you brought a sword into the resort?"

Zero stood. "An assassin never goes unarmed/did not plan to fight/just in case of trouble."

Mr. Murdock smiled thinly. "Once again breaking the no violence rule-"

"Objection!" Handsome Jack said.

"What for?" the judge asked. He was late for his afternoon nap and was getting cross.

Jack pointed an accusing finger at Mr. Murdock. "You said the rule was no violence. You did NOT say it was no weapons! Busted!"

The judge sighed, "It's sustained."

Murdock scowled darkly enough to curdle milk. "Very well then, that is all."

He walked stiffly back to his chair and sat. Everyone was waiting for the judge to continue the trial, but he seemed to have nodded off momentarily. Sheriff Kirk, standing nearby gently nudged the judge and he sat up like a shot. He scratched his head in confusion and coughed.

"Ahem yes right, erm, there doesn't seem to be any indication of which party should go next. Therefore, we shall decide it at random with this shiny silver dollar the Sheriff has just handed me!"

The audience murmured their approval while the vault hunters shook their heads in disbelief.

"This is the Supreme Court? I've seen drinking contests more organized than this shit." Axton said incredulously.

"Welcome to Pandoran politics kiddo." Handsome Jack said. "The coin toss is the real deal."

The judge flipped the coin high into the air. It arced down towards the floor in front of his podium.

"Call," the bailiff said.

"Heads!" Jack shouted.

"Tails!" called the bankers.

"Tails," confirmed Sheriff Kirk, picking it up. "Mr. Smith, you are up."

Mr. Smith stood earnestly and walked forward.

"Wait…where's their lawyer?" Lilith asked. Mr. Smith was walking towards the podium alone.

"Hey, objection your honor!" Handsome Jack began.  
"Overruled! He hasn't asked any questions yet!" the judge shouted.

"He can't ask questions if he has no attorney!" Jack countered.

The judge rolled his eyes. "Mr. Smith _is_ an attorney. He's defending himself."

Handsome Jack was actually bewildered. "Wait, you can do that? They didn't teach us that in business school."

"Just sentence us and get it over with…" Lilith had her head in her hands. Axton patted her shoulder. "Oh don't worry. It's coming, right after I beat the judge's brains out."

Mr. Smith grinned evilly." Thank you, your honor. I only have one thing to bring to this, honorable courtroom. A single document which entails the exact amount of money owed to our good bank by Mister Shade! Our firm gave him a VERY generous loan so he could build his resort and he promised us great profits in return of which we have yet to see, although we waited very patiently until the very last due date possible."

Shade was ready to fall out of his chair. He was sweating profusely and shaking. Even Mr. Murdock looked paler than usual. Mr. Smith was now grinning triumphantly. His associates sat ready to begin the applause as soon as their leader signaled. "This document will prove that Mr. Shade has failed to pay back his loan in time and therefore forfeits all property, investments, and stock to us!"

"Objection!" Murdock stuttered.

"What? Again?" the judge sighed, "overruled."

"This document releases us, the firm from all liability related to incidents concerning the loan! Therefore, our involvement in that uncultured tussle is void." Mr. Smith added.

"He can do that?" Maya gasped.

"He can, oh he can." Handsome Jack said grimly. "That Shade guy must be a bigger jackass than I thought. Who would sign a contract like that?"

"Well show us the document already." The judge encouraged. "I need to see it to prove its validation."

"Oh you will see it." Mr. Smith reached into his suit, ready to draw it out with a flourish. "This document will be more than enough to show that Mr. Shade now owes us his life!" But even as Smith groped, he couldn't seem to find what he was looking for. He tried his other side, and then searched them both again.

Everyone was waiting.

"Ahem, is everything alright Mr. Smith?" The judge asked expectantly. Mr. Smith was now violently going through his entire wardrobe. He was panting, nearly ripping his suite in his haste and desperation. His associates were watching with nauseated faces.

"Having a little trouble- finding, the document!" He gasped at last.

The judge sighed. "Well, I'm afraid if you can't show it to me, it can't be used as proper evidence against Mr. Shade. Now if you could obtain another copy from your office…"

"BUT HE OWES US MONEY!" Mr. Smith bellowed. "IT WAS ON MY PERSON!"

"Settle down sir." The bailiff warned.

"Well it's not on you anymore," the judge chided. "In this case you must return to your office to procure it. That could cost you a penalty which I'm afraid might reduce the amount Mr. Shade owes you. If that was your only statement then you and your associates are free to go. Once you have the document, we will settle you and Mr. Shade's affair another day."

The bailiff was already starting to herd the unwilling bankers out of the courtroom. Before he left, Mr. Smith snarled at Shade. "This isn't the end of it! You will hear from us again, very soon!" Then he stomped away.

* * *

"I don't get it, what happened to that paper he had?" Brick wondered. "He was waving it in our faces back at the resort."

Handsome Jack shrugged. "I dunno, but I'm glad to see those bastards go. Reminded me I have to do my taxes still."

Sitting next to Maya in the back row, Krieg was strangely animated during the exchange. He kept shifting back and forth, chortling to himself and making the bench squeak. Maya nudged him. "What's with you?" Krieg took her hand and pressed it to the back of his pants. Her fingers touched the edge of a crumpled piece of white legal paper sticking out of them.

Maya gasped. "You had Smith's document?"

Krieg nodded.

Maya laughed silently. "When we took him down huh? Good job Krieg. You'll make a secret agent yet."

"Now then," Judge Judge said. "Mr. Jack you are up."

"Please," said Jack, rising. "Everyone calls me Mr. Handsome nowadays." He took the floor with a flourish. "Okay then, Shade. So why is it that you booked MY clients three of your rooms? I mean, what was your scheme with that?"

Jack placed his hands menacingly on Shade's table and leaned in until his mask was almost touching the man's glasses. "You have some sort of sick obsession with the number three, is that it? Spill it."

Shade stuttered. "B-because there were nine of them? Nine divided by three is, three?"

Jack stepped back. "Clever, maybe you're smarter than I thought. But why is it that you have humanoid robots prowling your resort, preying on innocent bar patrons? How do you answer that?"

Shade (who had recovered somewhat after the banker's dismissal) was once again terrified. His lawyer seemed unwilling to interject on his behalf either but made sure to give Jack eternal stink eye. Finally Shade spoke. "Well…the property I purchased ended up being built over an old military installation. And, it had a bunch of old robots just lying around in it."

"Oh?" Jack said. "And which military would that be? It's not Hyperion is it?"

"Oh no, I think it was Atlas."

"I knew it!" Axton almost shouted from his bench. "She had to be Atlas tech."

"Order in my court!" the judge bawled.

"Sorry about that,"

"Anyways!" Jack continued his interrogation. "So you find old military robots, and your first idea is put them in your resort? I'm just not, following the logic here."

"I had no choice!" Shade complained. "With the outrageous fees I incurred from signing with those bankers I couldn't afford to hire a real support staff!"

"And that's why you had robots disguised as people?"

"Well," Shade said thoughtfully. "Yin was more of an assistant."

"Tch, your assistant? Yeah right. She cost one of my clients' emotional and psychological distress."

Axton frowned. "What does he mean distress?"  
"He means the robot hurt your sensitive feelings." Mordecai quipped.

"But wait," Salvador piped up. "The bartender wasn't a robot! I'm sure of it!"

"He's right," Brick said. "That dude was one hundred percent dude."

With his sharp hearing, Handsome Jack either overheard them whispering or was about to come to that point himself, because he said. "Mr. Shade, you had a human bartender and yet multiple witnesses saw you acting as not only a concierge, a lifeguard…and… a maid?"

"I don't have a license to serve alcohol." Shade said sadly. "It costs too much. I had to hire myself as my own employees."

"You have to have a license to serve drinks?" Brick said. "Damn, this planet is like a dictatorship or something."

Shade continued. "I wasn't the repairman either. He was coming to fix the door locks and the echo-phone but he didn't show up."

Maya stood and and shouted across the room. "What!?"

The judge pounded his desk, hardly making a sound and bruising his hand. "Order in my courtroom! Ow, that hurt!"

Shade looked confused.

"We were trapped in that room thinking you were trying to kill us!" Maya said.

The judge pounded the desk with his other hand, hurting it too. "Order, in my court!"

Now Krieg stood too, his bulk almost toppling the bench. The bailiff stiffened in apprehension. Even Sheriff Kirk looked a little worried.

"An excellent point made by my client!" Handsome Jack exclaimed. "Why were my clients locked in their room? And why did you off your own robot?"

"It's true about the repairman! The echo-phones were faulty in some of the rooms! I didn't know which. I didn't kill Yin! I couldn't let Mr. Axton sleep with her could I? What would my reputation be like if I let my patrons have sex with the staff? And a robot at that!"  
Axton got to his feet. "You bastard, then why did she come on to me so hard?"

The judge didn't even bother trying to restore order at this point. "I'm getting too old for this…" he sighed tiredly.

Shade threw up his hands. "She malfunctioned! Some kind of fluid got into her processors and she went buggy! I tried to make her escape out of the bathroom window, but something came down on top of her!"

Maya frowned. "Wait a second, me and Krieg threw a bed out of a window…could that have…"

"Oh my," Shade said. "That must have been it!"

"I guess my beer did the malfunctioning part." Axton said.

"Regardless!" Handsome Jack interrupted. "How can you account for Gaige's disappearance?"

"Oh, oh! I can explain!" Gaige called excitedly. The jury shifted their attention to her, completely confused.

"See I jumped off of this big rock, but I guess it was actually the mouth of a cave because I got pulled in and ended up in this huge underground tunnel system. That's where I found one of the psychos. He and I found the top secret military place. Then, another one of those robots tried to kill us!"

The courtroom gasped. Shade paled considerably. "Oh dear, that must have been Vivienne, I couldn't seem to find her deactivate switch."

Gaige was thoroughly enjoying having the audience's interest. "Me and good ole' Shark found this room full of monitors that gave Shade surveillance of the entire resort!"

"It was for purely security reasons!" Shade sputtered.

"Objection your honor," Mr. Murdock finally intervened. The judge had nearly drifted off again and now sat back up with a start. "What? Why?"

"On the grounds of lack of evidence!" Murdock protested, looking darkly at Handsome Jack. "The military installation was destroyed! By the vault hunters! They have no evidence!"

"Well, actually I did kind of snag a memory chip beforehand." Gaige said. She held up a small memory card. The judge squinted at it. "Play what's on it, and then the jury is going to give a verdict so we can finish this damn trial."

The bailiff came and took the memory chip from Gaige and put it into a projector machine. A holograph of Shade's face appeared in the room. He was recording some kind of video.

 _Shade's Personal Log, entry #748. Oh my, I'm too excited. The resort has only been open for a few weeks and I just received a reservation for the vault hunters! I haven't seen them since they passed through Oasis! This will be so thrilling! I haven't gotten any sleep for five days straight since I have to be at the concierge desk all night, but I'm plenty wound up now! I just wish the repairman would get here and fix the phones and doors. Wouldn't want those to trouble the guests! I'm going to have him check some of the cameras as well. I think some of the guests may have gotten a little overzealous and tampered with them. They just don't understand that I can't take perfect care of them if I can't see what they are doing. Well, that's all for now! I have to make sure the laundry is getting done!"_

The clip ended and the room brightened. Everyone was back in their seats. Mr. Murdock seemed livid.

"I see," the judge said. "It looks like Mr. Shade was telling the truth after all. Alright jury, head into the deliberation room so you can make a decision before I nod off again."

The bailiff and Sheriff Kirk escorted Scooter and the others into a separate room while everyone else waited tensely. Handsome Jack leaned against the vault hunter's table. "Well, that could have gone better. Damn, I thought we had him with the robot thing. But you guys had to go and blow it up."

"I didn't want to! But the robots were after us!" Gaige protested. "At least I got the chip right?"

"She's right, that tape was pretty incriminating if you ask me." Axton said.

"If the judge doesn't just fall asleep then maybe you have a chance." Jack said. He stretched his arms. "Hope for the best, vault hunters. I miss our little civil war already."

* * *

When the jury finally reappeared they shuffled past the judge's podium and down the aisle and out. Scooter waved one last time to the vault hunters, but his face was completely neutral and they couldn't read him.

The judge had managed to keep from losing consciousness and now read the verdict handed to him by Sheriff Kirk. "Ahem, according to the jury, they find the vault hunters…not guilty of damages or violent acts committed against Shade and his resort on the grounds of misinterpretation as well as Mr. Shade's apparent overzealous actions regarding surveillance and treatment of his guests." The judge squinted at the verdict. "There also appears to be a crudely written message at the bottom. It says…Free the vault hunters or I'll come back with my wrench – Scooter. Who the hell is Scooter?"

The vault hunters shook their heads in silent mirth. "We're going to have to have a talk with Scooter when we get back." Lilith said.  
"A long talk," Axton agreed.

"Ahem, well that settles it folks. Vault hunters you are free to go, court is adjourned!" the judge declared.

Handsome Jack bowed low to Mr. Murdock, triumphant. "Well, I guess my defense tactics are bit more than you could take my good sir. Tea and crumpets and all that later?"

Mr. Murdock snarled and took a step forward."You…imbecilic…meddler!"

Perhaps he would have outright attacked Handsome Jack, had not the burly bailiff taken him off his feet in an impressive tackle.

Handsome Jack whistled. "Guess they didn't teach him _that_ in law school."

* * *

The trial was over. The vault hunter's had been victorious. After Mr. Murdock was restrained everyone filed out of the courtroom and into the afternoon daylight. Beyond the buildings, the lowlands stretched away into the distance.

Handsome Jack had stretched his neck. "Well, mission accomplish yeah? Yes I know, I'm awesome, no need to tell me."

He checked the device on his wrist and said sarcastically. "And I'm now late for a meeting with my board members! Oh darn, I was so looking forward to it." He turned to the vault hunters. "Well it's been fun everybody but I got places to be and nobody here wants to hang out longer than they have to."

There was a roar and a bright yellow hovercraft came into view. It came to a stop next to Jack and he climbed aboard, taking the controls from the Hyperion pilot. "Looking forward to hunting you guys down one by one so stay out of trouble vault hunters!" He called down over the noise of the engine. Then he floored the gas and the hovercraft shot off down the road and disappeared into the hills, heading towards the enormous H in the sky.

"Shit, were we just successfully defended in court by Handsome Jack?" Mordecai said. He shook his head. "Now I've seen everything."

"Freedom!" Salvador shouted, spreading his arms wide. Then he dropped them in disappointment. "Huh, I don't feel any freer."

"I'll bet you will once we get back home and get a few drinks in us." Brick said cheerfully. "C'mon guys, we're out! Even if we owe it to Jack."

"He's right. No sense in moping about it." Maya said.

"I agree! No sense in moping." Said Shade from behind them. They turned around in trepidation but Shade held his hands up unthreateningly. "No, no, I'm just saying goodbye. You guys caused quite a stir. I'm sure it should be interesting one way or another."

"Look Shade," Lilith said. "Although there's no way I can condone your creepiness and your camera shenanigans. For what it's worth, I'm sorry we trashed your resort."

Shade chuckled and waved a hand. "Oh, don't worry about it. It was all a huge misunderstanding in the end! Even if I lose the resort to those blasted bankers, I'm glad I got to see you guys again for a while. I suppose I wasn't cut out for the hotel business anyways, I guess I'll go back to Oasis. Say, for now the resort is still mine. Do you guys want to come and stay-?"

"No no!" The vault hunters chorused. Shade sighed. "Rats, well I guess I'll see you all around." With that, Shade shuffled off and the vault hunters were left alone on the steps of the courthouse.

"That guy is just…eerie." Axton said. "I don't know what's more disturbing. That I almost banged a robot controlled by him, or saw him dressed as a maid. I'm gonna need some of Moxxi's strongest to clear that shit out."

Across from the steps was a familiar sight – a fast travel station, waiting for them. The group headed to it but there was a call from behind. "Wait vault hunters!"

Sheriff Kirk staggered up, weighed down by all of their bags and belongings. Krieg and Salvador helped unburden him. "This was brought back from the resort." Kirk panted. "Wouldn't want you to leave without it!"

He saluted. "Stay out of trouble y'all." Then he turned and headed back into the courthouse.

"I totally forgot about all our stuff," said Gaige. "Look Zero, there's your sword."

"Okay everyone, grab your bags and get through the fast travel. Let's just get home." Axton ordered. Maya put in the destination and disappeared, followed by Mordecai, Brick, Gaige, Zero and Krieg. Salvador went last, peaking into his bag. "Ah, it's still there! Maybe next time." He said wistfully, patting the small nuclear device within. Then he too atomized.

It was just Lilith and Axton and Zachary. The sandy haired bum and the redheaded siren nodded to each other solemnly. "It wouldn't have worked out between us would it?" Lilith said soberly. "I guess it was too good to be true. I'm sorry it went the way it did."

"But it was fun while it lasted." Zachary replied earnestly. "And if you bros ever want surfing lessons or something. Come find me at the beach. It's where I hang."

"We'll know who to call." Axton grinned. "You're alright for a beach boy, Zack. Stay safe."

"You too man, later. Later Lilith, glad I got to meet you." Zachary waved and left. The beach bum had made his exit.

Axton put a hand on Lilith's shoulder like a caring parent. "You want to talk about it?" he asked coyly.

She shrugged him off with a smile. "Get going you jerk."

They entered the fast travel and were instantaneously transported back to Sanctuary where everyone else was waiting for them; bags, towels and all. The good people of Sanctuary turned to gawk as the vault hunters trudged tiredly back to Crimson Raider Headquarters.

Upon entering Patricia Tannis surveyed them with a critical eye that was either full of jealously at not being invited, or simply annoyed by their sudden intrusion. Almost everyone ended up crashing in their beds before the night was even very old. Only Lilith sat up late on the consol. And she made very certain, NOT to click on any of the ads that appeared.

* * *

Epilogue:

The raider Reed, who Lilith had left in charge, reported nothing terrible had happened during their absence. He talked excitedly about the trial, saying everyone had been watching it on their echo-devices. Scooter had seen the headlines and shouted something about "lib-er-tee and just-is!" He then ran off and somehow got himself into the jury. Go figure.

Shade did end up losing the resort to the bankers, but he was content to return to Oasis. The real trouble began when Marcus Kincaid, Pandora's infamous gun purveyor, decided he wanted to buy the resort and everything in it. The war against Handsome Jack and Hyperion continued as destructive as ever, although Jack had seemed to limit his usual echo-radio insults, instead preferring to joke about Mr. Murdock's lime face.

The vault hunters continued their usual day to day after that eventful weekend and it eventually became just another battle story to laugh about around the bar. But late one night after all the vault hunters and other patron had cleared out, Moxxi sat at her own consol watching something when an ad suddenly popped up. She would have dismissed it without a thought. But this was was like she had never seen before and she leaned in to read it.

 **MR. TORGUE'S** **BAD-ASS HEALTH AND NAIL SALON AND SPA! DON'T F*CKING WAIT! GET OVER HERE NOW! YOU WON'T F*CKING REGRET IT!** _Ahem, we here at the Torgue Corporation would like to cordially invite you for a relaxing day at our newly opened Bad-ass Hair and Nail Spa. Prime packages and discounts available. Register today!_

"Wow," Moxxi sighed. "I could really use something like that. Torgue's running it? How bad could it be?"

She clicked on the link and the rest is history.

* * *

And there you have it. If I write anymore stories in the future, I will work to update them faster. Thanks for reading.


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